Soz Satire Presents: The Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit

Now Available in Kruger Rands 

Are you a monosyllabic, beetle-browed fuckwit with literary aspirations but don't have a clue how to get your stuff out there? Do your lips move when you read and do you have trouble stringing so much as two sentences together? Then The Soz Satire Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit is tailor-made for you.

To begin your new career as a published author simply send £20,000 to:

Soz Satire
The Boleyn Arms
Upton Park
East London

We guarantee that your miserable literary effort will be deleted by Amazon due to lack of interest in just weeks and that you'll be reduced to desperately posting a link to your risible old toot on Facebook and Twitter before you can say "How do you spell "preface?"

Testimonial: I can't read or write but just days after investing in this wonderful item I was being cyber bullied and ridiculed on every social media site you can think of. Thanks Soz Satire! - Larry Jizzum. Millwall, South London.

CIA Forced Detainees To Read WordPress Blogs Claims Shock Report

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just don't make me read their Freshly Pressed section again!"

Terror suspects were allegedly forced to read posts on the blogging website, WordPress, and were even made to like and comment on some of the more banal efforts, a US senate report has revealed.

The investigation into alleged cruel and unusual punishments carried out by The Central Intelligence Agency following the 911 attacks, has uncovered a number of inhumane practices, which includes detainees being kept awake for days and made to read pieces of mind-numbingly boring copy and laughable efforts at poetry, some of which were over a thousand words long, in an effort to extract confessions. One prisoner even spoke of being forced to type 'LOL' in the comment box of a blog based around a miserably inept self-published book while attack dogs snapped at his genitals 

We spoke to a a former prisoner at the notorious, Abu Graib detention facility in Iraq, who told us "At first they just used conventional torture methods such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation and sustained beatings, but when it became clear that a prisoner's spirit couldn't be broken, they would make us log on to WordPress and would force us to read horrendously boring pieces of copy about various blogger's car crash relationships, their journey's through other countries or to suffer their interminable bleating about their psychological difficulties. I remember one night when I was woken by guards in the early hours and forced to like and comment on a particularly crass and poorly-written piece of so-called humour featuring characters with funny-sounding names. In the end I  told them I knew of a proposed bomb attack on the New York subway just to escape the sheer tedium of it all"

An ex-CIA operative, who was deployed to interrogate prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba during the period in question, denied the claims last night "We would never employ inhumane tactics like this to extract confessions. I fully admit that waterboarding, threats of rape and sustained beatings did sometimes take place, but to force another human being to read a rambling, one thousand word piece about Norse folklore, or a shockingly poor poem with laughably faulty iambic pentameter is just unthinkable and the agency distances itself from it completely"

Further shocking revelations are expected at the weekend with the expected publishing of a further report which claims that Somali prisoners, suspected of being members of the Al-Shabaab terror group, were forced at gunpoint to read blog posts about people's teeth-jarringly boring childhood experiences in their entirety, without being given the option of clicking on the 'like' button in their Readers before moving wearily on to the next load of old guff.

Satirical Magazine Blamed For Sharp Rise In Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Soz Satire Xmas issue, complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.

The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper Xmas edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out earlier this month.

A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.

“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper April edition, now we’re going at it like  one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman food shopping at Tescos, and it’s all down to those bastards!”

We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below:

“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury

“I read the bumper Xmas edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding

“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs

“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin

“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.

We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, last night who told us.

“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis!.

“In fact apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”

Soz Satire’s bumper Xmas edition is now available on all half decent PCs and laptops, and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine along with a week’s supply of powerful antibiotics.

Oh and and here’s the link: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Africa Now Completely Empty As Last Surviving Inhabitant Falls Down Manhole

” ‘ang on. I’m not dead yet!”

The war torn, pestilence-ravaged continent of Africa is now reported to be completely devoid of human life following the death yesterday of it’s last living inhabitant who was killed instantly after falling down a manhole in Uganda.

The United Nations now plan to auction off the troubled continent to the highest bidder, with Virgin boss, Richard Branson, a firm favourite with his plan to turn it into a "car park" for hot air balloons..

Reuters

DEAR SOZ

Dear Soz Satire

During a visit to the supermarket the other day, the checkout girl handed me a list of my shopping detailing the price of each item. Surely it would be more useful if they were to do this on arrival at the shop, thus saving me the trouble of writing out a list in the first place.

Teddy Fuck
Brighton

SITUATIONS VACANT: Typical British Family Required.

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

A typical British family are required by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board, to watch and comment on a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock, preferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including some fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and who, by so doing, make the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they’ve seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

Britain’s Got Problems.

Simon Cowell House

Sunderland

umber of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night tv schedules, and to give their opinions.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic arseoles we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​

The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and by so doing makes the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they've seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​

If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

​

​

Britain's Got Problems
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland

SATIRICAL MAGAZINE HELPS RECORD NUMBER OF WOMEN FIND LOVE

“I couldn’t get a man to save my life until the latest issue of Soz came out, now I’m up the duff with George Clooney’s kid. Thanks Soz Satire”

Following the launch of the November issue of Soz Satire magazine, a record number of extremely ugly females have reported a dramatic rise in the number of attractive men wanting to make love to them.

The phenomenon has been attributed to the extremely poor quality of the jokes in the publication leading to men choosing to do anything other than read it.

Here are a few testimonials from desperate male readers:

“I started to read the updated version of Soz Satire last night but found it so unfunny I immediately went next door and got my leg over a hideous looking old tugboat” – Brad Pitt

“The updated version was so utterly devoid of any good jokes I gave a diabolical old hound a back scuttling in the pub bogs” – Johnny Depp

“The revamped Halloween issue made me want to give a dodgy looking munter a portion rather than read on, but it was so crap I couldn’t get the horn so I hit Justin Bieber with an iron bar instead” – Orlando Bloom.

Here’s a link to the mag in question so you can judge for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: Don’t blame me if you end up bollocks deep in some four-eyed, 22 stoner with thrush and a lazy eye before you get to the skit about Cheryl Cole in the Personal & Classified Ads section ok?

SOZ SATIRE'S TV CHOICE

BBC4. 22.00: Lost Cities Of The Ancients

A moving documentary which follows a 78 year old man's journey, wearing just his dressing gown and slippers, from his home in Sheffield to the neighboring town of Rotherham where he stops to ask a passer by how to get home.

WARNING: This programme may contain traces of false teeth.

The Antipodean Mint Proudly Presents: The Aussie Mate. Anti-Sheila TV Remote Control

"Stone the bloody crows! Fair go mate!"

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

With a proud tradition of rabid misogyny of more than 200 years standing, we at The Antipodean Mint are delighted to offer you this unique and attractive, female-proof , TV remote control, guaranteed to ensure that the little woman never impinges on your inalienable right to boorishly control what's on the box 24 hours a day again...ever!

Each device is lovingly machine-crafted by a member of our highly-skilled team of feckless, drunken Abbos and is fashioned using only the very finest low grade plastic and bits of old wire from Tasmania.

Using the very latest in communications and media technology, we have implanted each remote control with our unique, estrogen-sensitive sensor, which will detect unauthorised usage by a woman within seconds, thereby enabling you to dash home from the pub, or from the outside dunny, to administer the bloody good hiding she so richly deserves.

For just a few extra dollars our Oz Mate Deluxe Model also features a powerful built in battery which will instantaneously deliver a flesh sizzling 500 watt jolt to anyone who attempts to move it from its resting place down the back of the sofa or from beneath a pile of cushions.

Attractively priced at just $2378.25 and coupled with our easy monthly payments option, we're so convinced you'll be absolutely delighted with your purchase that we're offering our unique, no quibble, money back guarantee if you return your Aussie Mate to our office by hand within 12 minutes of taking delivery.

To receive your Aussiez Mate at some vague, unspecified time in the future, simply send a banker's draft or better still cash to:

Bruce Drongo Ltd

The Crafty Dag Trading Estate

Perth

Western Australia

Terms And Conditions:  I'm a hairy-arsed, right wing, Aussie bastard who thinks women have small feet so they can stand closer to the sink. I fully understand that after parting with all my grog money for the next 20 years I will, in all probability, receive absolutely nothing by return of post.  I have no history of mental illness and I do not know how to use a knife.

Signed...

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, r selling their stories to the Sunday papers

Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us "We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening."

"We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpet, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side"

"Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands"

"To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers"

"The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off."

"Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin."

When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said "Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  aot their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath"

.Religious Leaders To Take Part In Bar Billiards Tournament To Decide Who's Right

Graphic by Mina

In a move designed to settle, once and for all, the vexed question of which religious faith has the correct doctrine, religious leaders from across the globe have agreed to take part in a bar billiards tournament with the winner being crowned the head of the true faith. 

 The showdown is scheduled to take place in the public bar of The Carpenters Arms in Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green, E2 on 23 November starting at 7.30 with the winner being crowned just before closing time at 1.30am.

 A spokesman for The Church Of England Synod welcomed the proposal last night “It’s high time the question of which religion worships the true deity was decided and what better way to settle the debate once and for all than through a bloody good night on the ale with a good old fashioned stint of bar billiards to get the issue squared away. On a personal note we’re quietly confident of success as The Archbishop Of Canterbury is an absolute bandit on the green baize. Only last Christmas I saw him whip The Dalai Llama in a best of 3 pool match in The Hospital Tavern Whitechapel, and that was with 7 or 8 pints of Guinness under his belt”

 However, there was one dissenting voice from the Roman Catholic Holy See, whose spokesman said “While we’re not completely against the move we’d have much preferred to get the thing settled with a darts match. The Pope is a very useful man with the arrows, who only last week, thrashed The Chief Rabbi 3-0, which included a 9 dart finish, in a little drinker in The Balls Pond Road”

 Tickets will be on sale from Nov 1, with prices ranging from 30 pieces of silver for a stool at the bar overlooking the table, to a widow’s mite for a standing position next to the gent’s.

Prince Charles Tried To Make Queen's Throne Really Uncomfortable Claims Palace Insider

  Camilla sees the funny side as Charles reveals he's left a small land mine under the throne at Westminster Abbey

A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and  to thereby claim the throne for himself.

In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which the flunky asked that his name be withheld  he claimed that in 1933 Charles emptied a packet of tin tacks on the seat just as The Queen was about to sit down prior to a New Years Honours List ceremony  and that in 2004 he wired the throne up to a small hand-held electrical generator so that he could give The Queen a series of electrical jolts while she received ambassadorial visits from foreign dignitaries. He even claims that The Prince Of Wales would  often hide behind a curtain and fire a peashooter at the back of The Queen’s head during The State Opening Of Parliament.

If these allegations are proved correct it would constitute the most audacious attempt to de-throne a monarch since Mrs Simpson substituted The Orb for a fizzing bomb during the coronation of King George 

Elderly Passenger Serves In-Flight Meals After Stewardess Collapses At The Trolley

Dramatic footage, taken by a passenger, of one of the hot meals served by Mr Kelly from the stricken food trolley.

An astonishing tale of heroism and endurance emerged last night after it was revealed that a 77 year old man served over a hundred passengers with in-flight meals, including drinks and hot towels, after a stewardess was taking ill as she began serving passengers on board a Boeing 747 on route to Sharm El Sheik in Egypt on Monday night.

Alfie Kelly from Leighton Buzzard told reporters "It was around 9.00pm I suppose, and the wife and I were sitting towards the back of the plane waiting for our hot meal. I spotted the stewardess a little further down the aisle and noticed she looked a little pale and unsteady. All of a sudden the poor girl collapsed and just lay there motionless.

I immediately knew what I had to do and rushed up the aisle as quickly as I could and grabbed the trolley, which was rolling from side to side, completely out of control. Without thinking, I began serving the hot dinners to the other passengers. It was sheer instinct I suppose. I've never loaded a plastic tray with food cartons or poured tea and coffee into small cups while leaning forward in my life. How I managed to hold myself together I'll never know but thank God I did."

Another passenger, Mrs Maekela Thomas, 68, from Croydon in Surrey said "The old gentleman was absolutely wonderful. He looked calm and totally in control even though he was banging the trolley against some of the aisle seats from time to time. He even had the presence of mind to pat a few children on their heads whilst smiling cheerfully at their parents. The memory of him mincing down the gangway with that trolley is something that will live with me for ever. The man's a hero as far as I'm concerned"

It is understood that the every single passenger on board stood and cheered as he guided the trolley back into the galley with only a slight bump into the microwave, before entering the flight deck to chat to the pilots.

The stewardess concerned is believed to be recovering well at home after being given a full body spray tan, and oral sex by the co-pilot.

Miley Cyrus "Distraught" Over Fully Clothed Photographs

American teen pop sensation, Miley Cyrus, is to sue a French magazine after they published a series of photographs which appears to show her shopping in a Los Angeles mall wearing jeans and a sweater. Cyrus,21, who is famous for her daring stage outfits and  raunchy, "twerking" pop videos, was allegedly distraught when the pictures appeared in chic, Elle magazine, last Friday.

Her publicist told reporters "Miley is absolutely inconsolable right now. It's absolutely disgusting that she can't occasionally put some clothes on and walk around in public without some low life paparazzo with a long lens snapping her when she's at her most vulnerable. She wants all her fans to know that she's feeling a little ashamed right now and would like to reassure them that her latest video is even more outrageous than her last and features her writhing around with a number of male models, with not just her breasts on display, but her genitalia also. The matter is now in the hands of our attorneys"

Cyrus herself was reluctant to comment when our reporter visited her swish apartment in LA last night, but she did open the door in a flimsy negligee before offering to pose provocatively for our photographer.

Men Who Moisturise To Be Executed Under New Government Proposal

                                     A metrosexual or "big gayer" pictured letting the side down last night.

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats told reporters last night that they plan to introduce capital punishment, in the form of hanging, for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning and moisturising products.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. "It's high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These people should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back hanging then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly."

"We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross party support, apart from that ex-Deputy Speaker bloke who's currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents."

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce First Gay Player

                                 Furious Subbuteo PFA members picketing outside a box last night



In a groundbreaking move announced last night, table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have revealed plans to include a gay player in the next incarnation of their world famous football game. A spokesperson for the company told assembled media. 

"We live in a diverse and far more enlightened world these days and we want to reflect this by including a gay player in one of the teams for our 2014 edition. Although we dont wish to draw undue attention to the sexuality of  the player, he will be instantly recognisable by his distinctive pink base and slightly effeminate, hands on hips, stance. We have also included a micro chip sensor in the model which will make it say "Oooh you are awful" when subjected to a heavy challenge and "Last one in the shower's a big softie. Chase me, chase me!" when the full time whistle is blown. We haven't yet decided which of the 92 clubs that we include in our range will be fielding the player but Brighton And Hove Albion are certainly amongst the front-runners"

While the move is expected to be largely welcomed by the professional football world, a spokesman for The PFA, the player's union, did voice some misgivings when told of the plan.

"A bloody arse bandit in Subbuteo! You're kidding me right? They'll be including bloody sambos next! I hope to God they give it its own cut-out slot in the box, well away from the other lads. Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a wind up!"

Subbuteo plan to launch the gay-friendly version on October 14 2014, to coincide with the Gay Pride carnival in Rio De Janeiro and the birthday of Cliff Richard.

Facebook To Introduce Random Breath Tests

                        Facebook executives relax following the landmark decision to breathalyse members


Following a spate of drunken outbursts amongst its members, social networking giant, Facebook, are planning to introduce breath testing for those who appear to be posting under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesman for the company told reporters last night "We have had an increasing number of complaints from our members complaining of drunken misbehaviour on their timelines, including lewd remarks, threats of violence and  even the usage of capital letters to emphasise how serious they're being."

"In order to protect members who feel vulnerable and threatened we have decided to introduce random breath tests for those posters we feel may have had one over the eight. One of our newly formed "Grog Squad" operatives will turn up at the house of the suspected inebriate with a breath test kit. Any member who returns a positive sample will be issued with an immediate life ban and made to go out on a date with one of the deeply unnatractive desperados who subscribe to the Mature Dating website we constantly plug on our member's timelines."

The proposal has so far met with a mixed reaction from Facebookers. One woman in her 20s told us "Wuff oo babes" while a 53 year old man from Liverpool told our reporter that he was "A fucking bashta" and a "fucking fuuuuuuck" before asking for a cigarette and telling him he was his best mate.

Lady Gaga: My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant.

                         Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break with 2 dance troupe members during rehearsals

The showbiz world was in turmoil last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the uk she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she'd met outside the O2 Arena following last year's barnstorming, sellout gig.

The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a "gentleman of the road" in January of last year.

"I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate."

"As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine".

"The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.

"He taught me so many wonderful and new things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers, how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I'd end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He  even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers.

"Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that he considered were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string".

"I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I'd found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady's bogs. Sometimes I'd seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag."

"I feel as if I'm over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making  appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out".

"It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say I'll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he'd often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ...."Yer me best fuckin' mate yoush are! Yah fuckin' bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust "Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895"

America Launches Tactical Missile Strike On Sidcup

                                                                        Oopsie!

         There were red faces all round at The White House last night as news emerged that a number of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles have smashed into the South London town of Sidcup, wiping out pretty much the entire population and causing widespread destruction to buildings, some of which dated back to the mid 90s. It's believed the incident took place after American military personal mistakenly thought they were bombing Syria.

A spokesman for The Pentagon said last night "Gee we're really sorry about this guys. We sure hope it wont affect  the special relationship we have with you limeys. What can I say? Sidcup...Syria...they both sound pretty much alike to me. Anyways we're right sorry and would like to 'pologise to y'all and we hope it aint spoiled your day too much.Where the heck is Sidcup anyways? It's near Birming-Ham right?

This incident is now the worst case of death caused by friendly fire since America bombed Haringey back into the stone age in 1971 after mistaking it for Hanoi in Vietnam.     

  

                                                                              

"We Haven't Even Got Any Guns" Claims Syrian Envoy

                          The Syrian delegate pictured leaving the UN building in a huff last night

A Syrian delegate at an emergency meeting of the United Nations, convened to discuss the illegal use of chemical weapons which claimed the lives of hundreds of civilians on Wednesday, has made the claim that not only was the Assad regime innocent of deploying a nerve agent in the horrific attack but that in point of fact they dont even have an army, let alone the means to inflict death and destruction on such a large scale.

Pausing only to stroke a cute white kitten sleeping in a pink basket in front of him, Abu Nidal stated. "We totally refute these wild and ill founded allegations made against our government. We disbanded the Syrian armed forces well over 50 years ago, not long after The 6 Day War with Israel, in order to avoid any further conflict and bloodshed. It's against the law in Syria to possess any type of firearm. We are a peaceful and humanitarian country and anyone found with a gun will be imprisoned without trial and tortured on a daily basis until they say sorry.

The Russian delegate backed the claim stating "So that's that then. Now perhaps you'll listen in future when we defend other murderous despotic regimes that can offer us unlimited oil or a warm water port for the Russian navy. You should all hang your heads in shame to be honest"