Satirical Magazine Blamed For Sharp Rise In Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Soz Satire Xmas issue, complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.

The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper Xmas edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out earlier this month.

A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.

“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper April edition, now we’re going at it like  one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman food shopping at Tescos, and it’s all down to those bastards!”

We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below:

“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury

“I read the bumper Xmas edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding

“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs

“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin

“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.

We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, last night who told us.

“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis!.

“In fact apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”

Soz Satire’s bumper Xmas edition is now available on all half decent PCs and laptops, and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine along with a week’s supply of powerful antibiotics.

Oh and and here’s the link: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Olly Murs's Big Face To Save Leaning Tower Of Pisa

Civil engineers in Italy have announced plans to stabilise the precarious state of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa by using the massive face of British pop icon Olly Murs as a secondary foundation. The plan is to excavate deep under the existing foundations and then slide Murs's huge face into position using hydraulic rams positioned behind his feet while he lays down .

A spokesman for Pisa City Council said. "First of all we plan to burrow under The Leaning Tower Of Pisa using a giant boring machine, like the one that used to come out of Thunderbird 2. We will then gradually ease Olly Murs' gigantic face into position before pouring lots of concrete in afterwards. Hopefully this will stabilise The Leaning Tower Of Pisa and stop people from worrying, especially the people that live close to it."

Murs's mother, Diane, 109, said last night. "It's absolutely fabulous news that Olly's  bloody great dial is going to be used in a project as exciting and worthwhile as stabilising The Leaning Tower Of Pisa. His father and I are absolutely thrilled"

The project is believed to be costing several million pounds and will be the most innovative and daring feat of engineering since a highway from Florida USA to Alaska was constructed on the gigantic, botoxed forehead of Simon Cowell

500 New Homes To Be Built On Olly Murs's Face

In a bid to reduce the waiting list for social housing in London, Mayor Boris Johnson has announced plans to construct 500 small, 3 bedroomed, properties on the face of pop sensation Olly Murs.

Addressing the london assembly this morning, Johnson said. "With so many families living in temporary accommodation throught the london boroughs we have decided to utilise some of the wide open spaces available to us and provide permamnent, quality housing for those most in need of it. We have earmarked Olly Murs's big face as just one of the options open to us.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment, but his agent said "Olly is absolutely delighted to have hundreds of London's most needy residents setting up home on his  gigantic face. He sees it as a chance to really put something back into the community.

It is believed this is just one of a number of moves to use celebrities to improve conditions in the London area and follows controversial proposals to build a large heliport on Simon Cowell's bloody great, botoxed, forehead.

CD