CIA Forced Detainees To Read WordPress Blogs Claims Shock Report

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just don't make me read their Freshly Pressed section again!"

Terror suspects were allegedly forced to read posts on the blogging website, WordPress, and were even made to like and comment on some of the more banal efforts, a US senate report has revealed.

The investigation into alleged cruel and unusual punishments carried out by The Central Intelligence Agency following the 911 attacks, has uncovered a number of inhumane practices, which includes detainees being kept awake for days and made to read pieces of mind-numbingly boring copy and laughable efforts at poetry, some of which were over a thousand words long, in an effort to extract confessions. One prisoner even spoke of being forced to type 'LOL' in the comment box of a blog based around a miserably inept self-published book while attack dogs snapped at his genitals 

We spoke to a a former prisoner at the notorious, Abu Graib detention facility in Iraq, who told us "At first they just used conventional torture methods such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation and sustained beatings, but when it became clear that a prisoner's spirit couldn't be broken, they would make us log on to WordPress and would force us to read horrendously boring pieces of copy about various blogger's car crash relationships, their journey's through other countries or to suffer their interminable bleating about their psychological difficulties. I remember one night when I was woken by guards in the early hours and forced to like and comment on a particularly crass and poorly-written piece of so-called humour featuring characters with funny-sounding names. In the end I  told them I knew of a proposed bomb attack on the New York subway just to escape the sheer tedium of it all"

An ex-CIA operative, who was deployed to interrogate prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba during the period in question, denied the claims last night "We would never employ inhumane tactics like this to extract confessions. I fully admit that waterboarding, threats of rape and sustained beatings did sometimes take place, but to force another human being to read a rambling, one thousand word piece about Norse folklore, or a shockingly poor poem with laughably faulty iambic pentameter is just unthinkable and the agency distances itself from it completely"

Further shocking revelations are expected at the weekend with the expected publishing of a further report which claims that Somali prisoners, suspected of being members of the Al-Shabaab terror group, were forced at gunpoint to read blog posts about people's teeth-jarringly boring childhood experiences in their entirety, without being given the option of clicking on the 'like' button in their Readers before moving wearily on to the next load of old guff.