Soz Satire Presents: The Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit

Now Available in Kruger Rands 

Are you a monosyllabic, beetle-browed fuckwit with literary aspirations but don't have a clue how to get your stuff out there? Do your lips move when you read and do you have trouble stringing so much as two sentences together? Then The Soz Satire Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit is tailor-made for you.

To begin your new career as a published author simply send £20,000 to:

Soz Satire
The Boleyn Arms
Upton Park
East London

We guarantee that your miserable literary effort will be deleted by Amazon due to lack of interest in just weeks and that you'll be reduced to desperately posting a link to your risible old toot on Facebook and Twitter before you can say "How do you spell "preface?"

Testimonial: I can't read or write but just days after investing in this wonderful item I was being cyber bullied and ridiculed on every social media site you can think of. Thanks Soz Satire! - Larry Jizzum. Millwall, South London.

SOZ SATIRE'S TV CHOICE

BBC4. 22.00: Lost Cities Of The Ancients

A moving documentary which follows a 78 year old man's journey, wearing just his dressing gown and slippers, from his home in Sheffield to the neighboring town of Rotherham where he stops to ask a passer by how to get home.

WARNING: This programme may contain traces of false teeth.

The Antipodean Mint Proudly Presents: The Aussie Mate. Anti-Sheila TV Remote Control

"Stone the bloody crows! Fair go mate!"

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

With a proud tradition of rabid misogyny of more than 200 years standing, we at The Antipodean Mint are delighted to offer you this unique and attractive, female-proof , TV remote control, guaranteed to ensure that the little woman never impinges on your inalienable right to boorishly control what's on the box 24 hours a day again...ever!

Each device is lovingly machine-crafted by a member of our highly-skilled team of feckless, drunken Abbos and is fashioned using only the very finest low grade plastic and bits of old wire from Tasmania.

Using the very latest in communications and media technology, we have implanted each remote control with our unique, estrogen-sensitive sensor, which will detect unauthorised usage by a woman within seconds, thereby enabling you to dash home from the pub, or from the outside dunny, to administer the bloody good hiding she so richly deserves.

For just a few extra dollars our Oz Mate Deluxe Model also features a powerful built in battery which will instantaneously deliver a flesh sizzling 500 watt jolt to anyone who attempts to move it from its resting place down the back of the sofa or from beneath a pile of cushions.

Attractively priced at just $2378.25 and coupled with our easy monthly payments option, we're so convinced you'll be absolutely delighted with your purchase that we're offering our unique, no quibble, money back guarantee if you return your Aussie Mate to our office by hand within 12 minutes of taking delivery.

To receive your Aussiez Mate at some vague, unspecified time in the future, simply send a banker's draft or better still cash to:

Bruce Drongo Ltd

The Crafty Dag Trading Estate

Perth

Western Australia

Terms And Conditions:  I'm a hairy-arsed, right wing, Aussie bastard who thinks women have small feet so they can stand closer to the sink. I fully understand that after parting with all my grog money for the next 20 years I will, in all probability, receive absolutely nothing by return of post.  I have no history of mental illness and I do not know how to use a knife.

Signed...