America Launches Tactical Missile Strike On Sidcup

                                                                        Oopsie!

         There were red faces all round at The White House last night as news emerged that a number of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles have smashed into the South London town of Sidcup, wiping out pretty much the entire population and causing widespread destruction to buildings, some of which dated back to the mid 90s. It's believed the incident took place after American military personal mistakenly thought they were bombing Syria.

A spokesman for The Pentagon said last night "Gee we're really sorry about this guys. We sure hope it wont affect  the special relationship we have with you limeys. What can I say? Sidcup...Syria...they both sound pretty much alike to me. Anyways we're right sorry and would like to 'pologise to y'all and we hope it aint spoiled your day too much.Where the heck is Sidcup anyways? It's near Birming-Ham right?

This incident is now the worst case of death caused by friendly fire since America bombed Haringey back into the stone age in 1971 after mistaking it for Hanoi in Vietnam.     

  

                                                                              

"We Haven't Even Got Any Guns" Claims Syrian Envoy

                          The Syrian delegate pictured leaving the UN building in a huff last night

A Syrian delegate at an emergency meeting of the United Nations, convened to discuss the illegal use of chemical weapons which claimed the lives of hundreds of civilians on Wednesday, has made the claim that not only was the Assad regime innocent of deploying a nerve agent in the horrific attack but that in point of fact they dont even have an army, let alone the means to inflict death and destruction on such a large scale.

Pausing only to stroke a cute white kitten sleeping in a pink basket in front of him, Abu Nidal stated. "We totally refute these wild and ill founded allegations made against our government. We disbanded the Syrian armed forces well over 50 years ago, not long after The 6 Day War with Israel, in order to avoid any further conflict and bloodshed. It's against the law in Syria to possess any type of firearm. We are a peaceful and humanitarian country and anyone found with a gun will be imprisoned without trial and tortured on a daily basis until they say sorry.

The Russian delegate backed the claim stating "So that's that then. Now perhaps you'll listen in future when we defend other murderous despotic regimes that can offer us unlimited oil or a warm water port for the Russian navy. You should all hang your heads in shame to be honest"

Syria May Have Used Stink Bombs To Quell Insurgency. Claims CIA.

      Syrian Ambassador Feels The Full Force Of Britain's New Get-Tough Policy On Chemical Weapons

According to recent CIA reports, the Syrians may have used the noxious chemical, Ammonium Sulphide, against insurgent forces in a small town just outside the capital, Damascus, in a direct contravention of United Nations policy on chemical warfare.

The substance allegedly used, gives off a ghastly smell, somewhat akin to rotten eggs, and can cause gagging, vomiting, and  for people in the vicinity to be accused of having farted.

A spokesman for the Syrian government Batasar Ishtu Tomkins Minor said last night "Yes it's jolly well true that we splatted the rotters with some absolutely wizard stink bombs, and to be honest it's no more than the rotten blighters deserved! What's more, if they don't stop being such a bally nuisance, we're going to pelt the lot of them with our trusty catapults and snitch on them to matron. Huzzah!"

The British government has responded swiftly with a statement from The Foreign Office "What an absolutely appalling bad show!  If we hear of any more of it, we're going to go over there and roast a few of the blighters over an open fireplace before ragging their bally studies!"

In other news, President Barack Obama has called the Pakistani president, Asif Ali Zadari, a "fat owl" in response to being called  "an inky bounder"by the Pakistani premier