Graphic by The Artful Dodger
A typical British family are required by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board, to watch and comment on a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.
The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock, preferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.
The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including some fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and who, by so doing, make the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they’ve seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.
If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:
Britain’s Got Problems.
Simon Cowell House
Sunderland
umber of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night tv schedules, and to give their opinions.
The sorry collection of feckless, moronic arseoles we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.
The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and by so doing makes the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they've seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.
If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:
Britain's Got Problems
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland
