Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, r selling their stories to the Sunday papers

Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us "We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening."

"We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpet, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side"

"Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands"

"To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers"

"The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off."

"Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin."

When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said "Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  aot their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath"

.Religious Leaders To Take Part In Bar Billiards Tournament To Decide Who's Right

Graphic by Mina

In a move designed to settle, once and for all, the vexed question of which religious faith has the correct doctrine, religious leaders from across the globe have agreed to take part in a bar billiards tournament with the winner being crowned the head of the true faith. 

 The showdown is scheduled to take place in the public bar of The Carpenters Arms in Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green, E2 on 23 November starting at 7.30 with the winner being crowned just before closing time at 1.30am.

 A spokesman for The Church Of England Synod welcomed the proposal last night “It’s high time the question of which religion worships the true deity was decided and what better way to settle the debate once and for all than through a bloody good night on the ale with a good old fashioned stint of bar billiards to get the issue squared away. On a personal note we’re quietly confident of success as The Archbishop Of Canterbury is an absolute bandit on the green baize. Only last Christmas I saw him whip The Dalai Llama in a best of 3 pool match in The Hospital Tavern Whitechapel, and that was with 7 or 8 pints of Guinness under his belt”

 However, there was one dissenting voice from the Roman Catholic Holy See, whose spokesman said “While we’re not completely against the move we’d have much preferred to get the thing settled with a darts match. The Pope is a very useful man with the arrows, who only last week, thrashed The Chief Rabbi 3-0, which included a 9 dart finish, in a little drinker in The Balls Pond Road”

 Tickets will be on sale from Nov 1, with prices ranging from 30 pieces of silver for a stool at the bar overlooking the table, to a widow’s mite for a standing position next to the gent’s.

Prince Charles Tried To Make Queen's Throne Really Uncomfortable Claims Palace Insider

  Camilla sees the funny side as Charles reveals he's left a small land mine under the throne at Westminster Abbey

A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and  to thereby claim the throne for himself.

In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which the flunky asked that his name be withheld  he claimed that in 1933 Charles emptied a packet of tin tacks on the seat just as The Queen was about to sit down prior to a New Years Honours List ceremony  and that in 2004 he wired the throne up to a small hand-held electrical generator so that he could give The Queen a series of electrical jolts while she received ambassadorial visits from foreign dignitaries. He even claims that The Prince Of Wales would  often hide behind a curtain and fire a peashooter at the back of The Queen’s head during The State Opening Of Parliament.

If these allegations are proved correct it would constitute the most audacious attempt to de-throne a monarch since Mrs Simpson substituted The Orb for a fizzing bomb during the coronation of King George 

Elderly Passenger Serves In-Flight Meals After Stewardess Collapses At The Trolley

Dramatic footage, taken by a passenger, of one of the hot meals served by Mr Kelly from the stricken food trolley.

An astonishing tale of heroism and endurance emerged last night after it was revealed that a 77 year old man served over a hundred passengers with in-flight meals, including drinks and hot towels, after a stewardess was taking ill as she began serving passengers on board a Boeing 747 on route to Sharm El Sheik in Egypt on Monday night.

Alfie Kelly from Leighton Buzzard told reporters "It was around 9.00pm I suppose, and the wife and I were sitting towards the back of the plane waiting for our hot meal. I spotted the stewardess a little further down the aisle and noticed she looked a little pale and unsteady. All of a sudden the poor girl collapsed and just lay there motionless.

I immediately knew what I had to do and rushed up the aisle as quickly as I could and grabbed the trolley, which was rolling from side to side, completely out of control. Without thinking, I began serving the hot dinners to the other passengers. It was sheer instinct I suppose. I've never loaded a plastic tray with food cartons or poured tea and coffee into small cups while leaning forward in my life. How I managed to hold myself together I'll never know but thank God I did."

Another passenger, Mrs Maekela Thomas, 68, from Croydon in Surrey said "The old gentleman was absolutely wonderful. He looked calm and totally in control even though he was banging the trolley against some of the aisle seats from time to time. He even had the presence of mind to pat a few children on their heads whilst smiling cheerfully at their parents. The memory of him mincing down the gangway with that trolley is something that will live with me for ever. The man's a hero as far as I'm concerned"

It is understood that the every single passenger on board stood and cheered as he guided the trolley back into the galley with only a slight bump into the microwave, before entering the flight deck to chat to the pilots.

The stewardess concerned is believed to be recovering well at home after being given a full body spray tan, and oral sex by the co-pilot.

Miley Cyrus "Distraught" Over Fully Clothed Photographs

American teen pop sensation, Miley Cyrus, is to sue a French magazine after they published a series of photographs which appears to show her shopping in a Los Angeles mall wearing jeans and a sweater. Cyrus,21, who is famous for her daring stage outfits and  raunchy, "twerking" pop videos, was allegedly distraught when the pictures appeared in chic, Elle magazine, last Friday.

Her publicist told reporters "Miley is absolutely inconsolable right now. It's absolutely disgusting that she can't occasionally put some clothes on and walk around in public without some low life paparazzo with a long lens snapping her when she's at her most vulnerable. She wants all her fans to know that she's feeling a little ashamed right now and would like to reassure them that her latest video is even more outrageous than her last and features her writhing around with a number of male models, with not just her breasts on display, but her genitalia also. The matter is now in the hands of our attorneys"

Cyrus herself was reluctant to comment when our reporter visited her swish apartment in LA last night, but she did open the door in a flimsy negligee before offering to pose provocatively for our photographer.

Men Who Moisturise To Be Executed Under New Government Proposal

                                     A metrosexual or "big gayer" pictured letting the side down last night.

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats told reporters last night that they plan to introduce capital punishment, in the form of hanging, for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning and moisturising products.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. "It's high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These people should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back hanging then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly."

"We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross party support, apart from that ex-Deputy Speaker bloke who's currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents."

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce First Gay Player

                                 Furious Subbuteo PFA members picketing outside a box last night



In a groundbreaking move announced last night, table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have revealed plans to include a gay player in the next incarnation of their world famous football game. A spokesperson for the company told assembled media. 

"We live in a diverse and far more enlightened world these days and we want to reflect this by including a gay player in one of the teams for our 2014 edition. Although we dont wish to draw undue attention to the sexuality of  the player, he will be instantly recognisable by his distinctive pink base and slightly effeminate, hands on hips, stance. We have also included a micro chip sensor in the model which will make it say "Oooh you are awful" when subjected to a heavy challenge and "Last one in the shower's a big softie. Chase me, chase me!" when the full time whistle is blown. We haven't yet decided which of the 92 clubs that we include in our range will be fielding the player but Brighton And Hove Albion are certainly amongst the front-runners"

While the move is expected to be largely welcomed by the professional football world, a spokesman for The PFA, the player's union, did voice some misgivings when told of the plan.

"A bloody arse bandit in Subbuteo! You're kidding me right? They'll be including bloody sambos next! I hope to God they give it its own cut-out slot in the box, well away from the other lads. Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a wind up!"

Subbuteo plan to launch the gay-friendly version on October 14 2014, to coincide with the Gay Pride carnival in Rio De Janeiro and the birthday of Cliff Richard.

Facebook To Introduce Random Breath Tests

                        Facebook executives relax following the landmark decision to breathalyse members


Following a spate of drunken outbursts amongst its members, social networking giant, Facebook, are planning to introduce breath testing for those who appear to be posting under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesman for the company told reporters last night "We have had an increasing number of complaints from our members complaining of drunken misbehaviour on their timelines, including lewd remarks, threats of violence and  even the usage of capital letters to emphasise how serious they're being."

"In order to protect members who feel vulnerable and threatened we have decided to introduce random breath tests for those posters we feel may have had one over the eight. One of our newly formed "Grog Squad" operatives will turn up at the house of the suspected inebriate with a breath test kit. Any member who returns a positive sample will be issued with an immediate life ban and made to go out on a date with one of the deeply unnatractive desperados who subscribe to the Mature Dating website we constantly plug on our member's timelines."

The proposal has so far met with a mixed reaction from Facebookers. One woman in her 20s told us "Wuff oo babes" while a 53 year old man from Liverpool told our reporter that he was "A fucking bashta" and a "fucking fuuuuuuck" before asking for a cigarette and telling him he was his best mate.

Lady Gaga: My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant.

                         Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break with 2 dance troupe members during rehearsals

The showbiz world was in turmoil last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the uk she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she'd met outside the O2 Arena following last year's barnstorming, sellout gig.

The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a "gentleman of the road" in January of last year.

"I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate."

"As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine".

"The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.

"He taught me so many wonderful and new things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers, how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I'd end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He  even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers.

"Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that he considered were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string".

"I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I'd found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady's bogs. Sometimes I'd seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag."

"I feel as if I'm over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making  appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out".

"It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say I'll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he'd often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ...."Yer me best fuckin' mate yoush are! Yah fuckin' bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust "Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895"

America Launches Tactical Missile Strike On Sidcup

                                                                        Oopsie!

         There were red faces all round at The White House last night as news emerged that a number of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles have smashed into the South London town of Sidcup, wiping out pretty much the entire population and causing widespread destruction to buildings, some of which dated back to the mid 90s. It's believed the incident took place after American military personal mistakenly thought they were bombing Syria.

A spokesman for The Pentagon said last night "Gee we're really sorry about this guys. We sure hope it wont affect  the special relationship we have with you limeys. What can I say? Sidcup...Syria...they both sound pretty much alike to me. Anyways we're right sorry and would like to 'pologise to y'all and we hope it aint spoiled your day too much.Where the heck is Sidcup anyways? It's near Birming-Ham right?

This incident is now the worst case of death caused by friendly fire since America bombed Haringey back into the stone age in 1971 after mistaking it for Hanoi in Vietnam.     

  

                                                                              

"We Haven't Even Got Any Guns" Claims Syrian Envoy

                          The Syrian delegate pictured leaving the UN building in a huff last night

A Syrian delegate at an emergency meeting of the United Nations, convened to discuss the illegal use of chemical weapons which claimed the lives of hundreds of civilians on Wednesday, has made the claim that not only was the Assad regime innocent of deploying a nerve agent in the horrific attack but that in point of fact they dont even have an army, let alone the means to inflict death and destruction on such a large scale.

Pausing only to stroke a cute white kitten sleeping in a pink basket in front of him, Abu Nidal stated. "We totally refute these wild and ill founded allegations made against our government. We disbanded the Syrian armed forces well over 50 years ago, not long after The 6 Day War with Israel, in order to avoid any further conflict and bloodshed. It's against the law in Syria to possess any type of firearm. We are a peaceful and humanitarian country and anyone found with a gun will be imprisoned without trial and tortured on a daily basis until they say sorry.

The Russian delegate backed the claim stating "So that's that then. Now perhaps you'll listen in future when we defend other murderous despotic regimes that can offer us unlimited oil or a warm water port for the Russian navy. You should all hang your heads in shame to be honest"

Lulu Leaned On My Sideboard Claims Robert Mugabe

                                         A Sideboard In Pensive Mood As Lulu Approaches

Controversial Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabi, yesterday told fellow African leaders, at the annual congress of African nations, that during his early years as the country's first black president he invited British pop stars, Cliff Richard and Lulu, to take part in a celebrity tennis tournament in the nation's capital Harare, a move designed to improve strained political relations between Zimbabwe and the British government. He then went on to describe an incident later that evening in which he claims Lulu leaned on his sideboard.

In a fiery address Mugabe said "It was a disgraceful and provocative act, quite clearly designed to humiliate the people of Zimbabwe and to reinforce the white supremacist stance of the British government. When I saw Lulu leaning on my sideboard, my first reaction was to have her imprisoned for a few years, or at the very least, to hold her to ransom with a 6 weeks deadline before her execution. However, in the interests of future trade and political relations with The British, I decided to favour pragmatism and merely had her bundled into an unmarked police car by burly aides and driven to the airport for immediate deportation. If you dont believe me I still have some photographs of her fingerprints in the dust along the top bit"

A spokesperson for Lulu's record company, EMI, strongly refuted the allegations to reporters last night. "Lulu absolutely denies these spurious and, quite frankly, ridiculous allegations that she leaned on President Mugabi's sideboard. She admits she was present on the evening concerned and that she was feeling extremely tired after having earlier been taken to 5 sets by Jimmy Tarbuck, but insists that all she did was slump down heavily into an armchair and stick her feet up on the pouffe"

These latest allegations follow fast on the heels of claims made by ex-United States President Bill Clinton, in which he alleges that Rod Hull and Emu clattered into his coal scuttle at The Oval Office during a frenzied tussle on the ground with Emu's beak clamped around Clinton's throat.

Paul Gascoigne Spotted Sober At Train Station

                                                    Gascoigne Pictured In His Heyday

Friends of fallen sporting idol, Paul Gascoigne, expressed their concern last night as the ex England soccer idol was spotted at Victoria Station, accompanied by ex-wife Cheryl, in what was described by onlookers as a state of complete sobriety. This latest sighting comes hot on the heels of a similar incident 2 weeks ago when Gascoigne, 87, was seen waiting for a taxi in Gateshead, seemingly without the need to lean against a lamp post for support.

A bystander, who was at the scene said. "It was an appalling sight to be honest with you. Gazza appeared to be able to stand completely unaided, his speech was clear and unslurred and at one point he even chatted in a friendly manner to a group of schoolchildren. When he went into the buffet and came out with hot drinks for himself and Cheryl I had to turn away. Nobody likes to see a former sporting icon in that sort of condition do they?. I was hoping at one point that he might punch Cheryl a few times in the face, or at the very least give her a quick back-hander, but sadly he didn't even barge into her before vomiting over her top. It's tragic really"

Gazza's long time pal, and self-proclaimed radio legend, Danny Baker, told reporters. "It'a absolutely heartbreaking to see my old friend like this. I spoke to Chris Evans last night and we've decided to dig deep into our own pockets and take the boy on a two week bender to Magaluf, where hopefully, we can get him to see sense after a decent session on the grog and a quality stint of having raw spirits funnelled down his neck in The Dentist's Chair"

When we spoke to Gazza on the phone last night he appeared to be completely unaware of the episode and in a reminder of happier days he called me his best mate before threatening to take the fucking lot of us.

Olly Murs's Big Face To Save Leaning Tower Of Pisa

Civil engineers in Italy have announced plans to stabilise the precarious state of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa by using the massive face of British pop icon Olly Murs as a secondary foundation. The plan is to excavate deep under the existing foundations and then slide Murs's huge face into position using hydraulic rams positioned behind his feet while he lays down .

A spokesman for Pisa City Council said. "First of all we plan to burrow under The Leaning Tower Of Pisa using a giant boring machine, like the one that used to come out of Thunderbird 2. We will then gradually ease Olly Murs' gigantic face into position before pouring lots of concrete in afterwards. Hopefully this will stabilise The Leaning Tower Of Pisa and stop people from worrying, especially the people that live close to it."

Murs's mother, Diane, 109, said last night. "It's absolutely fabulous news that Olly's  bloody great dial is going to be used in a project as exciting and worthwhile as stabilising The Leaning Tower Of Pisa. His father and I are absolutely thrilled"

The project is believed to be costing several million pounds and will be the most innovative and daring feat of engineering since a highway from Florida USA to Alaska was constructed on the gigantic, botoxed forehead of Simon Cowell

British Woman In "Buy One Get One Free" Incident

             A British Dog Taking Advantage Of A Buy One Get One Free  Offer Pictured Last Night

           It is being widely reported by a number of global media networks that a 43 year old woman from the English town of Dorking in Surrey has taken advantage of a "buy one get one free" offer in a local branch of the Tesco supermarket chain.

It is believed that the incident took place on or around the beginning of June 2013 when the woman, who is now avoiding the media glare by staying with relatives, bought two tins of Tesco Prime Meaty Chunks dog food for her Springer Spaniel, and yet, due to an attractive, in store special offer, only paid the amount normally charged by the store for one can.

A spokesperson for the store issued a brief statement last night "Yes it's absolutely true that this woman took advantage of a special offer at our Dorking branch, while at the same time we'd like to point out that we as a company cannot accept responsibility for the choices made by our customers and anyway what the fuck's it got to do with you?"

Justin Bieber Voted "Most Torturable Celeb" By London's Gangsters

                               Justin pictured last night after a little firm from Stepney left an autograph.

In a survey of London's underworld, it has emerged that American pop sensation, Justin Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

Bieber, 11, just pipped  pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and  aggravating cunt, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and spielers in the heart of London's notorious East End.

One of those polled, "Maltese Billy" Drago, told us "It was a pretty tough choice to make to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, who wouldn't relish the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher's knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table? In the end though I had to go with Bieber. The boy's absolutely crying out to have his Jacobs crushed in a vice while his teeth are dragged out of his mouth using mole grips"

A spokesperson for Justin Bieber's record company said last night "Justin's understandably a bit upset to discover that he's the celeb that London's underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it's the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd"

Dorking Man Buys Blue Mug

A 42 year old man from the town of Dorking in Surrey has purchased a blue mug from a camping supplies store in the town high street it was reported last night.

Tony Malahide, who has lived locally all his life, revealed. "I was walking past the camping shop the other day when I spotted the mug in the window. It was reduced from £2.50 to £1.75 so I bought it. I'll probably keep it in the shed at the allotment for when I fancy a brew"

In other news, a woman from The Isle Of Dogs in East London was reportedly seen taking advantage of a "Buy One Get One Free" offer on a popular brand of cat food in Tescos.

Syria May Have Used Stink Bombs To Quell Insurgency. Claims CIA.

      Syrian Ambassador Feels The Full Force Of Britain's New Get-Tough Policy On Chemical Weapons

According to recent CIA reports, the Syrians may have used the noxious chemical, Ammonium Sulphide, against insurgent forces in a small town just outside the capital, Damascus, in a direct contravention of United Nations policy on chemical warfare.

The substance allegedly used, gives off a ghastly smell, somewhat akin to rotten eggs, and can cause gagging, vomiting, and  for people in the vicinity to be accused of having farted.

A spokesman for the Syrian government Batasar Ishtu Tomkins Minor said last night "Yes it's jolly well true that we splatted the rotters with some absolutely wizard stink bombs, and to be honest it's no more than the rotten blighters deserved! What's more, if they don't stop being such a bally nuisance, we're going to pelt the lot of them with our trusty catapults and snitch on them to matron. Huzzah!"

The British government has responded swiftly with a statement from The Foreign Office "What an absolutely appalling bad show!  If we hear of any more of it, we're going to go over there and roast a few of the blighters over an open fireplace before ragging their bally studies!"

In other news, President Barack Obama has called the Pakistani president, Asif Ali Zadari, a "fat owl" in response to being called  "an inky bounder"by the Pakistani premier

Drunk Arrested After Being Suspected Of Having Parkinson's Disease

A 23 year old London man has spoken of his ordeal at the hands of police officers, who mistook his erratic, drunken behaviour in the street, for Parkinson's disease, and kept him locked in a police cell for 24 hours.

Tony Ford, from Pimlico, West London, told reporters that his ordeal began last Saturday night, after a bout of heavy drinking in a pub close to his home. "It was just a normal Saturday night really. I started on the grog at around 6.00pm and must have tucked away about 10 pints and a couple of sambucas by the time I left the boozer at 11.00 or so.

I was staggering down the street minding my own business when a police car pulled up alongside me. Two officers got out and started accusing me of having Parkinson's Disease. I tried to protest my innocence but they just wouldn't listen and bundled me into the back of the patrol car.

"They took me down the local nick at Ebury Bridge, and flung me in a cell. It was absolutely outrageous to be honest. I was cooped up all night with a couple of other blokes, one of whom was twitching about all over the shop and was clearly suffering from Parkinson's, while the other appeared to have Alzheimer's Disease, as he was wandering aimlessly around the cell and kept forgetting who we all were.

"They didn't release me until around 11.00am the next day, by which time I was in a terrible state. I was shaking like a shitting dog, and had a mouth like the bottom of a baby's pram. The officer that opened the cell was quite abusive to be honest and called me "a waste of space" and "A f******g parky"

I was then released on bail and told to go down the hospital and to "get myself sorted out"  It was a night I'll never forget in all honesty. To be an innocent, incoherent drunk, vomiting in front gardens and pissing in shop doorways, only to be accused of having a progressive and increasingly debilitating disease is something I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy"

This latest incident follows on the heels of a similar case last month, when an 18 year old drunken girl, spotted by police lying outside a nightclub in a pool of her own vomit, was arrested and later released on bail after being charged with suspected epilepsy.

Boston Bombings Latest: Plate Of Hummus Held By FBI

                               Deeply suspicious looking plate of hot food pictured last night.

In the wake of the Boston Marathon bomb outrage, it has emerged that federal agents have seized a plate of Hummus that they claim was acting suspiciously in a small Arabic food restaurant close to the scene of the blast.

An FBI spokesman told reporters last night. "One of our agents spotted the plate of Hummus looking extremely agitated and shifty as it lay on the counter of the restaurant, waiting to be taken over to a table. There was smoke coming out of it and everything. Also it's name sounds a lot like Hamas and we all know what those guys stand for. We've taken the dish in for questioning and possible detainment without trial at Guantanamo Bay for a few years, just to be on the safe side"

Cooking With The Stars #56. Chris Brown.

                                         Chris bites off Rhianna's ear for dissin' his new cardigan

 This week, Chris shows us how to beat an egg.

Yo blood! What the fuck's happening dawg?  You just take one motherfuckin' egg, know what I'm sayin'? You make sho' you don't take no shit from that motherfucker though, you hear me homies?
Then you take dat bitch fo' a ride in yo' wheels, 'cos you never know if dat honey gone git freaky on yo' ass and start shootin' off at da lip.
Den when yo' ass and dat egg ass is far way from yo' yard, you beat the fuckin' shit outta dat mofo till all you got left is mush, know what ah'm sayin' blood?
Den you 'pologise to yo' egg and the motherfuckin' press fo' beatin' on egg ass. Den you go git 'nother egg and make yo'sel' a nice motherfuckin' omlette.

Next Week: Kneading Dough To Make Homemade Bread With Salt n Pepper. Here's a taster:
"Oooo baby baby, ooo baby baby! Push it! Push it! Push it real good!"

CD

Barack Obama Made Love To My Golf Bag, While Jimmy Tarbuck Watched: Claims Bruce Forsythe.

A golf bag braces itself in The Oval Office last night. ^^^^
  
Legendary entertainer Bruce Forsythe, last night made the astonishing claim that he witnessed US President Barack Obama romping naked with his golf bag, following a charity golf tournament in the north of England.

Speaking to reporters from outside his Surrey home, Forsythe 187, said "Myself and a number of other people from the world of showbiz and politics had been playing in a charity tournament to raise money for starving kids in Africa. I was actually feeling pretty good, as I'd just beaten Labour Party leader Ed Milliband 2 and 1, after a pretty close match. After the game I had a quick shower in the changing room and got dressed. It was just after I emerged that I spotted US President Barack Obama cavorting naked on the floor with my golf bag.

"As I watched in horror I noticed my old friend, and fellow veteran entertainer, Jimmy Tarbuck, standing a few feet away looking on. He was clearly visibly aroused and was shouting out obscene words of encouragement to the president as he violated my bag. At this point I fled back into the shower room and vomited violently. I mean to say, it's not the sort of behaviour you expect from the leader of the free world is it?"

President Obama gave a 10 minute address to the nation from The Oval Office last night, during which he seemed to justify the encounter. "Yes, my fellow Americans, it's absolutely true that I had sex with Bruce Forsythe's golf bag, but I was possessed by a demon at the time and therefore had no control over my actions. It was probably a succubus or something along those lines."

Jimmy Tarbuck's agent, Carter Nintendo, said "Jimmy freely admits that he watched Mr Obama indulging in a sex act with Mr Forsythe's bag, and that he may have pleasured himself while doing it. However, he strongly refutes taking part himself, and would like to point out, that at the time, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world"

A spokesman for the the golf club, Wisteria Dunes, told reporters "The club cannot accept responsibility for member's or guest's equipment which has been left unattended and is therefore a prime target for a good scuttling from The President Of The United States"

CD

Jade Goody's Father Was A Manatee, Claims Sir David Attenborough.

TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, has made the startling claim that deceased Big Brother winner, Jade Goody's father was a Manatee that once swam in the warm brackish waters of one of the Carribbean Islands.

Speaking to the National Geographic Society, Attenborough, 136, said "Having exhumed Jade Goody's body, and carried out a number of exhaustive scientific tests, I am now wholly convinced that her father was a Manatee or "Sea Cow" and that, in all probability, he once inhabited  a small inlet or river, probably in one of the Leeward Islands of The Caribbean.

"The similarities are irrefutable when you really look at it, with the large, relatively shapeless body, the astoundingly low intelligence and the permanently gormless expression. I took a DNA sample from a dead one that I found washed up on the beach, during my last expedition studying marine life off the coast of Antigua, and found it to be a perfect match with that of Ms Goodie"

A spokesperson for The Jade Goody Foundation, a charity set up in memory of the dead, racist irritant, said last night " Don't you talk abart 'er like wot you just talked! Jade woz a bootyful angle and there's just no way 'er dad was a creature out of the sea and that! If David Attenborough keeps saying that, I'm going up the council"

These revelations follow swiftly on the heels of the discovery that Jade's ex-husband, Jake Tweedy, was the son of a 3-Toed Sloth from Sumatra in Western Indonesia.

CD.

500 New Homes To Be Built On Olly Murs's Face

In a bid to reduce the waiting list for social housing in London, Mayor Boris Johnson has announced plans to construct 500 small, 3 bedroomed, properties on the face of pop sensation Olly Murs.

Addressing the london assembly this morning, Johnson said. "With so many families living in temporary accommodation throught the london boroughs we have decided to utilise some of the wide open spaces available to us and provide permamnent, quality housing for those most in need of it. We have earmarked Olly Murs's big face as just one of the options open to us.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment, but his agent said "Olly is absolutely delighted to have hundreds of London's most needy residents setting up home on his  gigantic face. He sees it as a chance to really put something back into the community.

It is believed this is just one of a number of moves to use celebrities to improve conditions in the London area and follows controversial proposals to build a large heliport on Simon Cowell's bloody great, botoxed, forehead.

CD

Wife In Hiding As MP Dies Of Natural Causes by Clivey Dee.

The wife of a prominent member of parliament was left to face the music last night after it was revealed that her husband of 35 years, John Philips, Tory MP for Billingsgate East, had passed away peacefully in his sleep last  Wednesday showing absolutely no outward signs of having been involved in any form of depraved sexual practice whatsoever.

Mrs Sandra Phillips, 42, of 23 Mablethorpe Avenue, Bromley By Bow East London. Tel. 09756439. Fax. 09543112,  asked that her name and address be withheld as she tries to come to terms with her shame. Weeping openly, and frequently pausing to regain her composure, Mrs Phillips revealed. "I just cant believe this is happening, it's all come as such a shock. I woke up on Wedesday morning and found him lying dead beside me. Naturally I assumed it was as the direct result of some kind of sickening act of auto eroticism but to my horror I soon realised he'd died as a result of heart failure and that there were no vile, seedy, extenuating circumstances whatsoever.

"Naturally I tried to disguise the fact before the ambulance arrived, by dressing him in a giant nappy and ramming a spiked ball gag in his mouth, but there just wasn't time. The deep sense of shame I felt when the paramedics told me he'd slipped away peacefully in his sleep will live with me forever."

Mrs Philips, herself a prominent London human rights solicitor went on. "I knew almost immediately after the wedding that things weren't quite right. He began coming to bed in his pyjama's and then falling asleep without making any gut wrenchingly abhorrent sexual demands. Things had seemed so normal during our courtship, and even on our first date he instructed me to flagellate his nether regions with a barbed leather flail and asked me if I'd be prepared to indulge in a heinous act of extreme watersports. I thought all my girlhood dreams had come true to be honest but I now realise he was just lulling me into a false sense of security

"Things then began to go downhill at an alarming rate and his sickening depravity seemed to tail right off. It all came to a head a few weeks before the wedding when he asked me to come to bed in a wnycyette nightie. He then just set the alarm clock before going to sleep. Naturally I was appalled and should have heard all the warning bells, but like all impressionable young girls I was blinded by love and thought things would improve with time.

"The real hammer blow however, came on our honeymoon in Bali when he spent 3 or 4 minutes in the bathroom cleaning his teeth. He then came to bed and made love to me in the missionary position for around 5 or 6 minutes before rolling over and falling asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and the sheer horror of his actions will be with me until my final breath. I just felt so used and dirty.

"In order to spare their feelings, I've told our three children that daddy passed away in a filthy rub and tug parlour in Walthamstow. That it was as a result of being asphyxiated and flagellated to death by an, overweight prostitute in stockings and suspenders. However, what they'll make of it when the true circumstances come to light I absolutely dread to think. All I ever asked of him during our long marriage was that he indulge  in a few nauseating sexual practices from time to time and that he got caught now and then in an appallingly embarrassing situation by one of the Sunday papers. I just feel numb at the moment to be honest with you. I feel as if he's let me down, his party down, and the whole family down.

The Prime Minister made a brief statement from outside a Thai, bondage and S & M den last night, in which he stated. "While we mourn the death of a well loved and hard-working colleague and friend, we would never condone this type of unacceptable behaviour. This great party of ours has been built on a proud history of appalling, and at times, downright nauseatingly vile, sexual excesses and as long as I'm at the helm this great tradition will be maintained. Our thoughts and prayers however must go out to his wife and family at this terribly difficult time".

Mr Philips funeral will be held next Thursday at All Saints Church, Cripplegate, London when it's believed his body will be displayed in a glass top coffin and dressed in a baby doll nightie and skin-diving flippers to save the family further distress.

CD

About Me...

My name's Clivey but you can call me pretty much anything you like, just as long as I'm asleep and therefore unlikely to take umbrage. I'm being aided and abetted on this blog by an extremely clever personage who understands the dark arts of blogging far better than I, who thought it was something to do with armed robbery.



I'm a prolific writer of satire whose work can be seen on toilet doors and inside bus shelters throughout London.



I'm perhaps best known for my many triumphs in spoof and satire writing competitions, which I often win with ease, sometimes without even bothering to write anything.

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My literary hero's are Dylan Thomas and Laurie Lee, whose works are shouted down my ears by my wife, due to my inability to read.

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I'm currently in prison with little or no hope of parole, which is a bit of a nuisance, but on the bright side, my darts and snooker skills have come on in leaps and bounds.

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Everything you read or listen to on this site is a complete pack of lies from start to finish. I/We intend no harm to any creature, alive or dead. Having said that, I/We wouldn't mind if Piers Morgan sprained his ankle.

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If, however, you feel your reputation has been sullied, or your copyright breached, please feel free to pursue us through the courts. Good luck with that one as we dont have a pot to piss in between us.

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Enjoy your stay. It could be your last.

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Love from Team Soz x

Company To Launch "Sleazebag Repellent"

An enterprising, small company in The Republic Of Ireland have just announced the launch of a fragrance with a real difference.

Action Girl Ltd have aimed their new product at attractive women who are sick to the back teeth of having to put up with unwanted attention from men who they find deeply unattractive.

"Repulse" is made from a secret, closely guarded list of ingredients, although it's understood that elephant piss and powdered rhino scrotum are both used in it's production.

Colleen Carter, 24, the head of research told me. "Repulse is extremely effective in deflecting unwanted advances from men you absolutely don't want to sleep with. I've tested it's efficacy on a number of deeply hideous blokes in the office and it's been absolutely first class. One chap vomited into the wastepaper basket when I leaned across him to borrow his stapler, while another actually collapsed while sharing the lift with me and had to be taken to hospital. I've even found it useful in deterring my husband's advances when he comes home drunk following a shift on the pig farm"

Repulse will retail at around £10 per 300ml can and will be available at most outlets, although women that have to spend time in the vicinity of Peter Stringfellow will be given a years supply free of charge on humanitarian grounds.

CD