Lady Gaga: My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant.

                         Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break with 2 dance troupe members during rehearsals

The showbiz world was in turmoil last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the uk she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she'd met outside the O2 Arena following last year's barnstorming, sellout gig.

The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a "gentleman of the road" in January of last year.

"I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate."

"As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine".

"The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.

"He taught me so many wonderful and new things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers, how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I'd end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He  even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers.

"Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that he considered were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string".

"I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I'd found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady's bogs. Sometimes I'd seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag."

"I feel as if I'm over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making  appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out".

"It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say I'll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he'd often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ...."Yer me best fuckin' mate yoush are! Yah fuckin' bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust "Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895"

America Launches Tactical Missile Strike On Sidcup

                                                                        Oopsie!

         There were red faces all round at The White House last night as news emerged that a number of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles have smashed into the South London town of Sidcup, wiping out pretty much the entire population and causing widespread destruction to buildings, some of which dated back to the mid 90s. It's believed the incident took place after American military personal mistakenly thought they were bombing Syria.

A spokesman for The Pentagon said last night "Gee we're really sorry about this guys. We sure hope it wont affect  the special relationship we have with you limeys. What can I say? Sidcup...Syria...they both sound pretty much alike to me. Anyways we're right sorry and would like to 'pologise to y'all and we hope it aint spoiled your day too much.Where the heck is Sidcup anyways? It's near Birming-Ham right?

This incident is now the worst case of death caused by friendly fire since America bombed Haringey back into the stone age in 1971 after mistaking it for Hanoi in Vietnam.     

  

                                                                              

"We Haven't Even Got Any Guns" Claims Syrian Envoy

                          The Syrian delegate pictured leaving the UN building in a huff last night

A Syrian delegate at an emergency meeting of the United Nations, convened to discuss the illegal use of chemical weapons which claimed the lives of hundreds of civilians on Wednesday, has made the claim that not only was the Assad regime innocent of deploying a nerve agent in the horrific attack but that in point of fact they dont even have an army, let alone the means to inflict death and destruction on such a large scale.

Pausing only to stroke a cute white kitten sleeping in a pink basket in front of him, Abu Nidal stated. "We totally refute these wild and ill founded allegations made against our government. We disbanded the Syrian armed forces well over 50 years ago, not long after The 6 Day War with Israel, in order to avoid any further conflict and bloodshed. It's against the law in Syria to possess any type of firearm. We are a peaceful and humanitarian country and anyone found with a gun will be imprisoned without trial and tortured on a daily basis until they say sorry.

The Russian delegate backed the claim stating "So that's that then. Now perhaps you'll listen in future when we defend other murderous despotic regimes that can offer us unlimited oil or a warm water port for the Russian navy. You should all hang your heads in shame to be honest"

Lulu Leaned On My Sideboard Claims Robert Mugabe

                                         A Sideboard In Pensive Mood As Lulu Approaches

Controversial Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabi, yesterday told fellow African leaders, at the annual congress of African nations, that during his early years as the country's first black president he invited British pop stars, Cliff Richard and Lulu, to take part in a celebrity tennis tournament in the nation's capital Harare, a move designed to improve strained political relations between Zimbabwe and the British government. He then went on to describe an incident later that evening in which he claims Lulu leaned on his sideboard.

In a fiery address Mugabe said "It was a disgraceful and provocative act, quite clearly designed to humiliate the people of Zimbabwe and to reinforce the white supremacist stance of the British government. When I saw Lulu leaning on my sideboard, my first reaction was to have her imprisoned for a few years, or at the very least, to hold her to ransom with a 6 weeks deadline before her execution. However, in the interests of future trade and political relations with The British, I decided to favour pragmatism and merely had her bundled into an unmarked police car by burly aides and driven to the airport for immediate deportation. If you dont believe me I still have some photographs of her fingerprints in the dust along the top bit"

A spokesperson for Lulu's record company, EMI, strongly refuted the allegations to reporters last night. "Lulu absolutely denies these spurious and, quite frankly, ridiculous allegations that she leaned on President Mugabi's sideboard. She admits she was present on the evening concerned and that she was feeling extremely tired after having earlier been taken to 5 sets by Jimmy Tarbuck, but insists that all she did was slump down heavily into an armchair and stick her feet up on the pouffe"

These latest allegations follow fast on the heels of claims made by ex-United States President Bill Clinton, in which he alleges that Rod Hull and Emu clattered into his coal scuttle at The Oval Office during a frenzied tussle on the ground with Emu's beak clamped around Clinton's throat.

Paul Gascoigne Spotted Sober At Train Station

                                                    Gascoigne Pictured In His Heyday

Friends of fallen sporting idol, Paul Gascoigne, expressed their concern last night as the ex England soccer idol was spotted at Victoria Station, accompanied by ex-wife Cheryl, in what was described by onlookers as a state of complete sobriety. This latest sighting comes hot on the heels of a similar incident 2 weeks ago when Gascoigne, 87, was seen waiting for a taxi in Gateshead, seemingly without the need to lean against a lamp post for support.

A bystander, who was at the scene said. "It was an appalling sight to be honest with you. Gazza appeared to be able to stand completely unaided, his speech was clear and unslurred and at one point he even chatted in a friendly manner to a group of schoolchildren. When he went into the buffet and came out with hot drinks for himself and Cheryl I had to turn away. Nobody likes to see a former sporting icon in that sort of condition do they?. I was hoping at one point that he might punch Cheryl a few times in the face, or at the very least give her a quick back-hander, but sadly he didn't even barge into her before vomiting over her top. It's tragic really"

Gazza's long time pal, and self-proclaimed radio legend, Danny Baker, told reporters. "It'a absolutely heartbreaking to see my old friend like this. I spoke to Chris Evans last night and we've decided to dig deep into our own pockets and take the boy on a two week bender to Magaluf, where hopefully, we can get him to see sense after a decent session on the grog and a quality stint of having raw spirits funnelled down his neck in The Dentist's Chair"

When we spoke to Gazza on the phone last night he appeared to be completely unaware of the episode and in a reminder of happier days he called me his best mate before threatening to take the fucking lot of us.

Olly Murs's Big Face To Save Leaning Tower Of Pisa

Civil engineers in Italy have announced plans to stabilise the precarious state of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa by using the massive face of British pop icon Olly Murs as a secondary foundation. The plan is to excavate deep under the existing foundations and then slide Murs's huge face into position using hydraulic rams positioned behind his feet while he lays down .

A spokesman for Pisa City Council said. "First of all we plan to burrow under The Leaning Tower Of Pisa using a giant boring machine, like the one that used to come out of Thunderbird 2. We will then gradually ease Olly Murs' gigantic face into position before pouring lots of concrete in afterwards. Hopefully this will stabilise The Leaning Tower Of Pisa and stop people from worrying, especially the people that live close to it."

Murs's mother, Diane, 109, said last night. "It's absolutely fabulous news that Olly's  bloody great dial is going to be used in a project as exciting and worthwhile as stabilising The Leaning Tower Of Pisa. His father and I are absolutely thrilled"

The project is believed to be costing several million pounds and will be the most innovative and daring feat of engineering since a highway from Florida USA to Alaska was constructed on the gigantic, botoxed forehead of Simon Cowell

British Woman In "Buy One Get One Free" Incident

             A British Dog Taking Advantage Of A Buy One Get One Free  Offer Pictured Last Night

           It is being widely reported by a number of global media networks that a 43 year old woman from the English town of Dorking in Surrey has taken advantage of a "buy one get one free" offer in a local branch of the Tesco supermarket chain.

It is believed that the incident took place on or around the beginning of June 2013 when the woman, who is now avoiding the media glare by staying with relatives, bought two tins of Tesco Prime Meaty Chunks dog food for her Springer Spaniel, and yet, due to an attractive, in store special offer, only paid the amount normally charged by the store for one can.

A spokesperson for the store issued a brief statement last night "Yes it's absolutely true that this woman took advantage of a special offer at our Dorking branch, while at the same time we'd like to point out that we as a company cannot accept responsibility for the choices made by our customers and anyway what the fuck's it got to do with you?"