.Religious Leaders To Take Part In Bar Billiards Tournament To Decide Who's Right

Graphic by Mina

In a move designed to settle, once and for all, the vexed question of which religious faith has the correct doctrine, religious leaders from across the globe have agreed to take part in a bar billiards tournament with the winner being crowned the head of the true faith. 

 The showdown is scheduled to take place in the public bar of The Carpenters Arms in Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green, E2 on 23 November starting at 7.30 with the winner being crowned just before closing time at 1.30am.

 A spokesman for The Church Of England Synod welcomed the proposal last night “It’s high time the question of which religion worships the true deity was decided and what better way to settle the debate once and for all than through a bloody good night on the ale with a good old fashioned stint of bar billiards to get the issue squared away. On a personal note we’re quietly confident of success as The Archbishop Of Canterbury is an absolute bandit on the green baize. Only last Christmas I saw him whip The Dalai Llama in a best of 3 pool match in The Hospital Tavern Whitechapel, and that was with 7 or 8 pints of Guinness under his belt”

 However, there was one dissenting voice from the Roman Catholic Holy See, whose spokesman said “While we’re not completely against the move we’d have much preferred to get the thing settled with a darts match. The Pope is a very useful man with the arrows, who only last week, thrashed The Chief Rabbi 3-0, which included a 9 dart finish, in a little drinker in The Balls Pond Road”

 Tickets will be on sale from Nov 1, with prices ranging from 30 pieces of silver for a stool at the bar overlooking the table, to a widow’s mite for a standing position next to the gent’s.

Prince Charles Tried To Make Queen's Throne Really Uncomfortable Claims Palace Insider

  Camilla sees the funny side as Charles reveals he's left a small land mine under the throne at Westminster Abbey

A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and  to thereby claim the throne for himself.

In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which the flunky asked that his name be withheld  he claimed that in 1933 Charles emptied a packet of tin tacks on the seat just as The Queen was about to sit down prior to a New Years Honours List ceremony  and that in 2004 he wired the throne up to a small hand-held electrical generator so that he could give The Queen a series of electrical jolts while she received ambassadorial visits from foreign dignitaries. He even claims that The Prince Of Wales would  often hide behind a curtain and fire a peashooter at the back of The Queen’s head during The State Opening Of Parliament.

If these allegations are proved correct it would constitute the most audacious attempt to de-throne a monarch since Mrs Simpson substituted The Orb for a fizzing bomb during the coronation of King George 

Elderly Passenger Serves In-Flight Meals After Stewardess Collapses At The Trolley

Dramatic footage, taken by a passenger, of one of the hot meals served by Mr Kelly from the stricken food trolley.

An astonishing tale of heroism and endurance emerged last night after it was revealed that a 77 year old man served over a hundred passengers with in-flight meals, including drinks and hot towels, after a stewardess was taking ill as she began serving passengers on board a Boeing 747 on route to Sharm El Sheik in Egypt on Monday night.

Alfie Kelly from Leighton Buzzard told reporters "It was around 9.00pm I suppose, and the wife and I were sitting towards the back of the plane waiting for our hot meal. I spotted the stewardess a little further down the aisle and noticed she looked a little pale and unsteady. All of a sudden the poor girl collapsed and just lay there motionless.

I immediately knew what I had to do and rushed up the aisle as quickly as I could and grabbed the trolley, which was rolling from side to side, completely out of control. Without thinking, I began serving the hot dinners to the other passengers. It was sheer instinct I suppose. I've never loaded a plastic tray with food cartons or poured tea and coffee into small cups while leaning forward in my life. How I managed to hold myself together I'll never know but thank God I did."

Another passenger, Mrs Maekela Thomas, 68, from Croydon in Surrey said "The old gentleman was absolutely wonderful. He looked calm and totally in control even though he was banging the trolley against some of the aisle seats from time to time. He even had the presence of mind to pat a few children on their heads whilst smiling cheerfully at their parents. The memory of him mincing down the gangway with that trolley is something that will live with me for ever. The man's a hero as far as I'm concerned"

It is understood that the every single passenger on board stood and cheered as he guided the trolley back into the galley with only a slight bump into the microwave, before entering the flight deck to chat to the pilots.

The stewardess concerned is believed to be recovering well at home after being given a full body spray tan, and oral sex by the co-pilot.

Miley Cyrus "Distraught" Over Fully Clothed Photographs

American teen pop sensation, Miley Cyrus, is to sue a French magazine after they published a series of photographs which appears to show her shopping in a Los Angeles mall wearing jeans and a sweater. Cyrus,21, who is famous for her daring stage outfits and  raunchy, "twerking" pop videos, was allegedly distraught when the pictures appeared in chic, Elle magazine, last Friday.

Her publicist told reporters "Miley is absolutely inconsolable right now. It's absolutely disgusting that she can't occasionally put some clothes on and walk around in public without some low life paparazzo with a long lens snapping her when she's at her most vulnerable. She wants all her fans to know that she's feeling a little ashamed right now and would like to reassure them that her latest video is even more outrageous than her last and features her writhing around with a number of male models, with not just her breasts on display, but her genitalia also. The matter is now in the hands of our attorneys"

Cyrus herself was reluctant to comment when our reporter visited her swish apartment in LA last night, but she did open the door in a flimsy negligee before offering to pose provocatively for our photographer.

Men Who Moisturise To Be Executed Under New Government Proposal

                                     A metrosexual or "big gayer" pictured letting the side down last night.

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats told reporters last night that they plan to introduce capital punishment, in the form of hanging, for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning and moisturising products.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. "It's high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These people should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back hanging then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly."

"We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross party support, apart from that ex-Deputy Speaker bloke who's currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents."

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce First Gay Player

                                 Furious Subbuteo PFA members picketing outside a box last night



In a groundbreaking move announced last night, table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have revealed plans to include a gay player in the next incarnation of their world famous football game. A spokesperson for the company told assembled media. 

"We live in a diverse and far more enlightened world these days and we want to reflect this by including a gay player in one of the teams for our 2014 edition. Although we dont wish to draw undue attention to the sexuality of  the player, he will be instantly recognisable by his distinctive pink base and slightly effeminate, hands on hips, stance. We have also included a micro chip sensor in the model which will make it say "Oooh you are awful" when subjected to a heavy challenge and "Last one in the shower's a big softie. Chase me, chase me!" when the full time whistle is blown. We haven't yet decided which of the 92 clubs that we include in our range will be fielding the player but Brighton And Hove Albion are certainly amongst the front-runners"

While the move is expected to be largely welcomed by the professional football world, a spokesman for The PFA, the player's union, did voice some misgivings when told of the plan.

"A bloody arse bandit in Subbuteo! You're kidding me right? They'll be including bloody sambos next! I hope to God they give it its own cut-out slot in the box, well away from the other lads. Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a wind up!"

Subbuteo plan to launch the gay-friendly version on October 14 2014, to coincide with the Gay Pride carnival in Rio De Janeiro and the birthday of Cliff Richard.

Facebook To Introduce Random Breath Tests

                        Facebook executives relax following the landmark decision to breathalyse members


Following a spate of drunken outbursts amongst its members, social networking giant, Facebook, are planning to introduce breath testing for those who appear to be posting under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesman for the company told reporters last night "We have had an increasing number of complaints from our members complaining of drunken misbehaviour on their timelines, including lewd remarks, threats of violence and  even the usage of capital letters to emphasise how serious they're being."

"In order to protect members who feel vulnerable and threatened we have decided to introduce random breath tests for those posters we feel may have had one over the eight. One of our newly formed "Grog Squad" operatives will turn up at the house of the suspected inebriate with a breath test kit. Any member who returns a positive sample will be issued with an immediate life ban and made to go out on a date with one of the deeply unnatractive desperados who subscribe to the Mature Dating website we constantly plug on our member's timelines."

The proposal has so far met with a mixed reaction from Facebookers. One woman in her 20s told us "Wuff oo babes" while a 53 year old man from Liverpool told our reporter that he was "A fucking bashta" and a "fucking fuuuuuuck" before asking for a cigarette and telling him he was his best mate.