Justin Bieber Voted "Most Torturable Celeb" By London's Gangsters

                               Justin pictured last night after a little firm from Stepney left an autograph.

In a survey of London's underworld, it has emerged that American pop sensation, Justin Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

Bieber, 11, just pipped  pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and  aggravating cunt, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and spielers in the heart of London's notorious East End.

One of those polled, "Maltese Billy" Drago, told us "It was a pretty tough choice to make to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, who wouldn't relish the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher's knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table? In the end though I had to go with Bieber. The boy's absolutely crying out to have his Jacobs crushed in a vice while his teeth are dragged out of his mouth using mole grips"

A spokesperson for Justin Bieber's record company said last night "Justin's understandably a bit upset to discover that he's the celeb that London's underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it's the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd"

Dorking Man Buys Blue Mug

A 42 year old man from the town of Dorking in Surrey has purchased a blue mug from a camping supplies store in the town high street it was reported last night.

Tony Malahide, who has lived locally all his life, revealed. "I was walking past the camping shop the other day when I spotted the mug in the window. It was reduced from £2.50 to £1.75 so I bought it. I'll probably keep it in the shed at the allotment for when I fancy a brew"

In other news, a woman from The Isle Of Dogs in East London was reportedly seen taking advantage of a "Buy One Get One Free" offer on a popular brand of cat food in Tescos.

Syria May Have Used Stink Bombs To Quell Insurgency. Claims CIA.

      Syrian Ambassador Feels The Full Force Of Britain's New Get-Tough Policy On Chemical Weapons

According to recent CIA reports, the Syrians may have used the noxious chemical, Ammonium Sulphide, against insurgent forces in a small town just outside the capital, Damascus, in a direct contravention of United Nations policy on chemical warfare.

The substance allegedly used, gives off a ghastly smell, somewhat akin to rotten eggs, and can cause gagging, vomiting, and  for people in the vicinity to be accused of having farted.

A spokesman for the Syrian government Batasar Ishtu Tomkins Minor said last night "Yes it's jolly well true that we splatted the rotters with some absolutely wizard stink bombs, and to be honest it's no more than the rotten blighters deserved! What's more, if they don't stop being such a bally nuisance, we're going to pelt the lot of them with our trusty catapults and snitch on them to matron. Huzzah!"

The British government has responded swiftly with a statement from The Foreign Office "What an absolutely appalling bad show!  If we hear of any more of it, we're going to go over there and roast a few of the blighters over an open fireplace before ragging their bally studies!"

In other news, President Barack Obama has called the Pakistani president, Asif Ali Zadari, a "fat owl" in response to being called  "an inky bounder"by the Pakistani premier

Drunk Arrested After Being Suspected Of Having Parkinson's Disease

A 23 year old London man has spoken of his ordeal at the hands of police officers, who mistook his erratic, drunken behaviour in the street, for Parkinson's disease, and kept him locked in a police cell for 24 hours.

Tony Ford, from Pimlico, West London, told reporters that his ordeal began last Saturday night, after a bout of heavy drinking in a pub close to his home. "It was just a normal Saturday night really. I started on the grog at around 6.00pm and must have tucked away about 10 pints and a couple of sambucas by the time I left the boozer at 11.00 or so.

I was staggering down the street minding my own business when a police car pulled up alongside me. Two officers got out and started accusing me of having Parkinson's Disease. I tried to protest my innocence but they just wouldn't listen and bundled me into the back of the patrol car.

"They took me down the local nick at Ebury Bridge, and flung me in a cell. It was absolutely outrageous to be honest. I was cooped up all night with a couple of other blokes, one of whom was twitching about all over the shop and was clearly suffering from Parkinson's, while the other appeared to have Alzheimer's Disease, as he was wandering aimlessly around the cell and kept forgetting who we all were.

"They didn't release me until around 11.00am the next day, by which time I was in a terrible state. I was shaking like a shitting dog, and had a mouth like the bottom of a baby's pram. The officer that opened the cell was quite abusive to be honest and called me "a waste of space" and "A f******g parky"

I was then released on bail and told to go down the hospital and to "get myself sorted out"  It was a night I'll never forget in all honesty. To be an innocent, incoherent drunk, vomiting in front gardens and pissing in shop doorways, only to be accused of having a progressive and increasingly debilitating disease is something I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy"

This latest incident follows on the heels of a similar case last month, when an 18 year old drunken girl, spotted by police lying outside a nightclub in a pool of her own vomit, was arrested and later released on bail after being charged with suspected epilepsy.

Boston Bombings Latest: Plate Of Hummus Held By FBI

                               Deeply suspicious looking plate of hot food pictured last night.

In the wake of the Boston Marathon bomb outrage, it has emerged that federal agents have seized a plate of Hummus that they claim was acting suspiciously in a small Arabic food restaurant close to the scene of the blast.

An FBI spokesman told reporters last night. "One of our agents spotted the plate of Hummus looking extremely agitated and shifty as it lay on the counter of the restaurant, waiting to be taken over to a table. There was smoke coming out of it and everything. Also it's name sounds a lot like Hamas and we all know what those guys stand for. We've taken the dish in for questioning and possible detainment without trial at Guantanamo Bay for a few years, just to be on the safe side"

Cooking With The Stars #56. Chris Brown.

                                         Chris bites off Rhianna's ear for dissin' his new cardigan

 This week, Chris shows us how to beat an egg.

Yo blood! What the fuck's happening dawg?  You just take one motherfuckin' egg, know what I'm sayin'? You make sho' you don't take no shit from that motherfucker though, you hear me homies?
Then you take dat bitch fo' a ride in yo' wheels, 'cos you never know if dat honey gone git freaky on yo' ass and start shootin' off at da lip.
Den when yo' ass and dat egg ass is far way from yo' yard, you beat the fuckin' shit outta dat mofo till all you got left is mush, know what ah'm sayin' blood?
Den you 'pologise to yo' egg and the motherfuckin' press fo' beatin' on egg ass. Den you go git 'nother egg and make yo'sel' a nice motherfuckin' omlette.

Next Week: Kneading Dough To Make Homemade Bread With Salt n Pepper. Here's a taster:
"Oooo baby baby, ooo baby baby! Push it! Push it! Push it real good!"

CD

Barack Obama Made Love To My Golf Bag, While Jimmy Tarbuck Watched: Claims Bruce Forsythe.

A golf bag braces itself in The Oval Office last night. ^^^^
  
Legendary entertainer Bruce Forsythe, last night made the astonishing claim that he witnessed US President Barack Obama romping naked with his golf bag, following a charity golf tournament in the north of England.

Speaking to reporters from outside his Surrey home, Forsythe 187, said "Myself and a number of other people from the world of showbiz and politics had been playing in a charity tournament to raise money for starving kids in Africa. I was actually feeling pretty good, as I'd just beaten Labour Party leader Ed Milliband 2 and 1, after a pretty close match. After the game I had a quick shower in the changing room and got dressed. It was just after I emerged that I spotted US President Barack Obama cavorting naked on the floor with my golf bag.

"As I watched in horror I noticed my old friend, and fellow veteran entertainer, Jimmy Tarbuck, standing a few feet away looking on. He was clearly visibly aroused and was shouting out obscene words of encouragement to the president as he violated my bag. At this point I fled back into the shower room and vomited violently. I mean to say, it's not the sort of behaviour you expect from the leader of the free world is it?"

President Obama gave a 10 minute address to the nation from The Oval Office last night, during which he seemed to justify the encounter. "Yes, my fellow Americans, it's absolutely true that I had sex with Bruce Forsythe's golf bag, but I was possessed by a demon at the time and therefore had no control over my actions. It was probably a succubus or something along those lines."

Jimmy Tarbuck's agent, Carter Nintendo, said "Jimmy freely admits that he watched Mr Obama indulging in a sex act with Mr Forsythe's bag, and that he may have pleasured himself while doing it. However, he strongly refutes taking part himself, and would like to point out, that at the time, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world"

A spokesman for the the golf club, Wisteria Dunes, told reporters "The club cannot accept responsibility for member's or guest's equipment which has been left unattended and is therefore a prime target for a good scuttling from The President Of The United States"

CD