Syria May Have Used Stink Bombs To Quell Insurgency. Claims CIA.

      Syrian Ambassador Feels The Full Force Of Britain's New Get-Tough Policy On Chemical Weapons

According to recent CIA reports, the Syrians may have used the noxious chemical, Ammonium Sulphide, against insurgent forces in a small town just outside the capital, Damascus, in a direct contravention of United Nations policy on chemical warfare.

The substance allegedly used, gives off a ghastly smell, somewhat akin to rotten eggs, and can cause gagging, vomiting, and  for people in the vicinity to be accused of having farted.

A spokesman for the Syrian government Batasar Ishtu Tomkins Minor said last night "Yes it's jolly well true that we splatted the rotters with some absolutely wizard stink bombs, and to be honest it's no more than the rotten blighters deserved! What's more, if they don't stop being such a bally nuisance, we're going to pelt the lot of them with our trusty catapults and snitch on them to matron. Huzzah!"

The British government has responded swiftly with a statement from The Foreign Office "What an absolutely appalling bad show!  If we hear of any more of it, we're going to go over there and roast a few of the blighters over an open fireplace before ragging their bally studies!"

In other news, President Barack Obama has called the Pakistani president, Asif Ali Zadari, a "fat owl" in response to being called  "an inky bounder"by the Pakistani premier

Drunk Arrested After Being Suspected Of Having Parkinson's Disease

A 23 year old London man has spoken of his ordeal at the hands of police officers, who mistook his erratic, drunken behaviour in the street, for Parkinson's disease, and kept him locked in a police cell for 24 hours.

Tony Ford, from Pimlico, West London, told reporters that his ordeal began last Saturday night, after a bout of heavy drinking in a pub close to his home. "It was just a normal Saturday night really. I started on the grog at around 6.00pm and must have tucked away about 10 pints and a couple of sambucas by the time I left the boozer at 11.00 or so.

I was staggering down the street minding my own business when a police car pulled up alongside me. Two officers got out and started accusing me of having Parkinson's Disease. I tried to protest my innocence but they just wouldn't listen and bundled me into the back of the patrol car.

"They took me down the local nick at Ebury Bridge, and flung me in a cell. It was absolutely outrageous to be honest. I was cooped up all night with a couple of other blokes, one of whom was twitching about all over the shop and was clearly suffering from Parkinson's, while the other appeared to have Alzheimer's Disease, as he was wandering aimlessly around the cell and kept forgetting who we all were.

"They didn't release me until around 11.00am the next day, by which time I was in a terrible state. I was shaking like a shitting dog, and had a mouth like the bottom of a baby's pram. The officer that opened the cell was quite abusive to be honest and called me "a waste of space" and "A f******g parky"

I was then released on bail and told to go down the hospital and to "get myself sorted out"  It was a night I'll never forget in all honesty. To be an innocent, incoherent drunk, vomiting in front gardens and pissing in shop doorways, only to be accused of having a progressive and increasingly debilitating disease is something I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy"

This latest incident follows on the heels of a similar case last month, when an 18 year old drunken girl, spotted by police lying outside a nightclub in a pool of her own vomit, was arrested and later released on bail after being charged with suspected epilepsy.

Boston Bombings Latest: Plate Of Hummus Held By FBI

                               Deeply suspicious looking plate of hot food pictured last night.

In the wake of the Boston Marathon bomb outrage, it has emerged that federal agents have seized a plate of Hummus that they claim was acting suspiciously in a small Arabic food restaurant close to the scene of the blast.

An FBI spokesman told reporters last night. "One of our agents spotted the plate of Hummus looking extremely agitated and shifty as it lay on the counter of the restaurant, waiting to be taken over to a table. There was smoke coming out of it and everything. Also it's name sounds a lot like Hamas and we all know what those guys stand for. We've taken the dish in for questioning and possible detainment without trial at Guantanamo Bay for a few years, just to be on the safe side"

Cooking With The Stars #56. Chris Brown.

                                         Chris bites off Rhianna's ear for dissin' his new cardigan

 This week, Chris shows us how to beat an egg.

Yo blood! What the fuck's happening dawg?  You just take one motherfuckin' egg, know what I'm sayin'? You make sho' you don't take no shit from that motherfucker though, you hear me homies?
Then you take dat bitch fo' a ride in yo' wheels, 'cos you never know if dat honey gone git freaky on yo' ass and start shootin' off at da lip.
Den when yo' ass and dat egg ass is far way from yo' yard, you beat the fuckin' shit outta dat mofo till all you got left is mush, know what ah'm sayin' blood?
Den you 'pologise to yo' egg and the motherfuckin' press fo' beatin' on egg ass. Den you go git 'nother egg and make yo'sel' a nice motherfuckin' omlette.

Next Week: Kneading Dough To Make Homemade Bread With Salt n Pepper. Here's a taster:
"Oooo baby baby, ooo baby baby! Push it! Push it! Push it real good!"

CD

Barack Obama Made Love To My Golf Bag, While Jimmy Tarbuck Watched: Claims Bruce Forsythe.

A golf bag braces itself in The Oval Office last night. ^^^^
  
Legendary entertainer Bruce Forsythe, last night made the astonishing claim that he witnessed US President Barack Obama romping naked with his golf bag, following a charity golf tournament in the north of England.

Speaking to reporters from outside his Surrey home, Forsythe 187, said "Myself and a number of other people from the world of showbiz and politics had been playing in a charity tournament to raise money for starving kids in Africa. I was actually feeling pretty good, as I'd just beaten Labour Party leader Ed Milliband 2 and 1, after a pretty close match. After the game I had a quick shower in the changing room and got dressed. It was just after I emerged that I spotted US President Barack Obama cavorting naked on the floor with my golf bag.

"As I watched in horror I noticed my old friend, and fellow veteran entertainer, Jimmy Tarbuck, standing a few feet away looking on. He was clearly visibly aroused and was shouting out obscene words of encouragement to the president as he violated my bag. At this point I fled back into the shower room and vomited violently. I mean to say, it's not the sort of behaviour you expect from the leader of the free world is it?"

President Obama gave a 10 minute address to the nation from The Oval Office last night, during which he seemed to justify the encounter. "Yes, my fellow Americans, it's absolutely true that I had sex with Bruce Forsythe's golf bag, but I was possessed by a demon at the time and therefore had no control over my actions. It was probably a succubus or something along those lines."

Jimmy Tarbuck's agent, Carter Nintendo, said "Jimmy freely admits that he watched Mr Obama indulging in a sex act with Mr Forsythe's bag, and that he may have pleasured himself while doing it. However, he strongly refutes taking part himself, and would like to point out, that at the time, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world"

A spokesman for the the golf club, Wisteria Dunes, told reporters "The club cannot accept responsibility for member's or guest's equipment which has been left unattended and is therefore a prime target for a good scuttling from The President Of The United States"

CD

Jade Goody's Father Was A Manatee, Claims Sir David Attenborough.

TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, has made the startling claim that deceased Big Brother winner, Jade Goody's father was a Manatee that once swam in the warm brackish waters of one of the Carribbean Islands.

Speaking to the National Geographic Society, Attenborough, 136, said "Having exhumed Jade Goody's body, and carried out a number of exhaustive scientific tests, I am now wholly convinced that her father was a Manatee or "Sea Cow" and that, in all probability, he once inhabited  a small inlet or river, probably in one of the Leeward Islands of The Caribbean.

"The similarities are irrefutable when you really look at it, with the large, relatively shapeless body, the astoundingly low intelligence and the permanently gormless expression. I took a DNA sample from a dead one that I found washed up on the beach, during my last expedition studying marine life off the coast of Antigua, and found it to be a perfect match with that of Ms Goodie"

A spokesperson for The Jade Goody Foundation, a charity set up in memory of the dead, racist irritant, said last night " Don't you talk abart 'er like wot you just talked! Jade woz a bootyful angle and there's just no way 'er dad was a creature out of the sea and that! If David Attenborough keeps saying that, I'm going up the council"

These revelations follow swiftly on the heels of the discovery that Jade's ex-husband, Jake Tweedy, was the son of a 3-Toed Sloth from Sumatra in Western Indonesia.

CD.

500 New Homes To Be Built On Olly Murs's Face

In a bid to reduce the waiting list for social housing in London, Mayor Boris Johnson has announced plans to construct 500 small, 3 bedroomed, properties on the face of pop sensation Olly Murs.

Addressing the london assembly this morning, Johnson said. "With so many families living in temporary accommodation throught the london boroughs we have decided to utilise some of the wide open spaces available to us and provide permamnent, quality housing for those most in need of it. We have earmarked Olly Murs's big face as just one of the options open to us.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment, but his agent said "Olly is absolutely delighted to have hundreds of London's most needy residents setting up home on his  gigantic face. He sees it as a chance to really put something back into the community.

It is believed this is just one of a number of moves to use celebrities to improve conditions in the London area and follows controversial proposals to build a large heliport on Simon Cowell's bloody great, botoxed, forehead.

CD

Wife In Hiding As MP Dies Of Natural Causes by Clivey Dee.

The wife of a prominent member of parliament was left to face the music last night after it was revealed that her husband of 35 years, John Philips, Tory MP for Billingsgate East, had passed away peacefully in his sleep last  Wednesday showing absolutely no outward signs of having been involved in any form of depraved sexual practice whatsoever.

Mrs Sandra Phillips, 42, of 23 Mablethorpe Avenue, Bromley By Bow East London. Tel. 09756439. Fax. 09543112,  asked that her name and address be withheld as she tries to come to terms with her shame. Weeping openly, and frequently pausing to regain her composure, Mrs Phillips revealed. "I just cant believe this is happening, it's all come as such a shock. I woke up on Wedesday morning and found him lying dead beside me. Naturally I assumed it was as the direct result of some kind of sickening act of auto eroticism but to my horror I soon realised he'd died as a result of heart failure and that there were no vile, seedy, extenuating circumstances whatsoever.

"Naturally I tried to disguise the fact before the ambulance arrived, by dressing him in a giant nappy and ramming a spiked ball gag in his mouth, but there just wasn't time. The deep sense of shame I felt when the paramedics told me he'd slipped away peacefully in his sleep will live with me forever."

Mrs Philips, herself a prominent London human rights solicitor went on. "I knew almost immediately after the wedding that things weren't quite right. He began coming to bed in his pyjama's and then falling asleep without making any gut wrenchingly abhorrent sexual demands. Things had seemed so normal during our courtship, and even on our first date he instructed me to flagellate his nether regions with a barbed leather flail and asked me if I'd be prepared to indulge in a heinous act of extreme watersports. I thought all my girlhood dreams had come true to be honest but I now realise he was just lulling me into a false sense of security

"Things then began to go downhill at an alarming rate and his sickening depravity seemed to tail right off. It all came to a head a few weeks before the wedding when he asked me to come to bed in a wnycyette nightie. He then just set the alarm clock before going to sleep. Naturally I was appalled and should have heard all the warning bells, but like all impressionable young girls I was blinded by love and thought things would improve with time.

"The real hammer blow however, came on our honeymoon in Bali when he spent 3 or 4 minutes in the bathroom cleaning his teeth. He then came to bed and made love to me in the missionary position for around 5 or 6 minutes before rolling over and falling asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and the sheer horror of his actions will be with me until my final breath. I just felt so used and dirty.

"In order to spare their feelings, I've told our three children that daddy passed away in a filthy rub and tug parlour in Walthamstow. That it was as a result of being asphyxiated and flagellated to death by an, overweight prostitute in stockings and suspenders. However, what they'll make of it when the true circumstances come to light I absolutely dread to think. All I ever asked of him during our long marriage was that he indulge  in a few nauseating sexual practices from time to time and that he got caught now and then in an appallingly embarrassing situation by one of the Sunday papers. I just feel numb at the moment to be honest with you. I feel as if he's let me down, his party down, and the whole family down.

The Prime Minister made a brief statement from outside a Thai, bondage and S & M den last night, in which he stated. "While we mourn the death of a well loved and hard-working colleague and friend, we would never condone this type of unacceptable behaviour. This great party of ours has been built on a proud history of appalling, and at times, downright nauseatingly vile, sexual excesses and as long as I'm at the helm this great tradition will be maintained. Our thoughts and prayers however must go out to his wife and family at this terribly difficult time".

Mr Philips funeral will be held next Thursday at All Saints Church, Cripplegate, London when it's believed his body will be displayed in a glass top coffin and dressed in a baby doll nightie and skin-diving flippers to save the family further distress.

CD

About Me...

My name's Clivey but you can call me pretty much anything you like, just as long as I'm asleep and therefore unlikely to take umbrage. I'm being aided and abetted on this blog by an extremely clever personage who understands the dark arts of blogging far better than I, who thought it was something to do with armed robbery.



I'm a prolific writer of satire whose work can be seen on toilet doors and inside bus shelters throughout London.



I'm perhaps best known for my many triumphs in spoof and satire writing competitions, which I often win with ease, sometimes without even bothering to write anything.

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My literary hero's are Dylan Thomas and Laurie Lee, whose works are shouted down my ears by my wife, due to my inability to read.

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I'm currently in prison with little or no hope of parole, which is a bit of a nuisance, but on the bright side, my darts and snooker skills have come on in leaps and bounds.

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Everything you read or listen to on this site is a complete pack of lies from start to finish. I/We intend no harm to any creature, alive or dead. Having said that, I/We wouldn't mind if Piers Morgan sprained his ankle.

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If, however, you feel your reputation has been sullied, or your copyright breached, please feel free to pursue us through the courts. Good luck with that one as we dont have a pot to piss in between us.

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Enjoy your stay. It could be your last.

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Love from Team Soz x

Company To Launch "Sleazebag Repellent"

An enterprising, small company in The Republic Of Ireland have just announced the launch of a fragrance with a real difference.

Action Girl Ltd have aimed their new product at attractive women who are sick to the back teeth of having to put up with unwanted attention from men who they find deeply unattractive.

"Repulse" is made from a secret, closely guarded list of ingredients, although it's understood that elephant piss and powdered rhino scrotum are both used in it's production.

Colleen Carter, 24, the head of research told me. "Repulse is extremely effective in deflecting unwanted advances from men you absolutely don't want to sleep with. I've tested it's efficacy on a number of deeply hideous blokes in the office and it's been absolutely first class. One chap vomited into the wastepaper basket when I leaned across him to borrow his stapler, while another actually collapsed while sharing the lift with me and had to be taken to hospital. I've even found it useful in deterring my husband's advances when he comes home drunk following a shift on the pig farm"

Repulse will retail at around £10 per 300ml can and will be available at most outlets, although women that have to spend time in the vicinity of Peter Stringfellow will be given a years supply free of charge on humanitarian grounds.

CD