Africa Now Completely Empty As Last Surviving Inhabitant Falls Down Manhole

” ‘ang on. I’m not dead yet!”

The war torn, pestilence-ravaged continent of Africa is now reported to be completely devoid of human life following the death yesterday of it’s last living inhabitant who was killed instantly after falling down a manhole in Uganda.

The United Nations now plan to auction off the troubled continent to the highest bidder, with Virgin boss, Richard Branson, a firm favourite with his plan to turn it into a "car park" for hot air balloons..

Reuters

DEAR SOZ

Dear Soz Satire

During a visit to the supermarket the other day, the checkout girl handed me a list of my shopping detailing the price of each item. Surely it would be more useful if they were to do this on arrival at the shop, thus saving me the trouble of writing out a list in the first place.

Teddy Fuck
Brighton

SITUATIONS VACANT: Typical British Family Required.

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

A typical British family are required by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board, to watch and comment on a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock, preferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including some fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and who, by so doing, make the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they’ve seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

Britain’s Got Problems.

Simon Cowell House

Sunderland

umber of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night tv schedules, and to give their opinions.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic arseoles we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​

The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and by so doing makes the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they've seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​

If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

​

​

Britain's Got Problems
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland

SATIRICAL MAGAZINE HELPS RECORD NUMBER OF WOMEN FIND LOVE

“I couldn’t get a man to save my life until the latest issue of Soz came out, now I’m up the duff with George Clooney’s kid. Thanks Soz Satire”

Following the launch of the November issue of Soz Satire magazine, a record number of extremely ugly females have reported a dramatic rise in the number of attractive men wanting to make love to them.

The phenomenon has been attributed to the extremely poor quality of the jokes in the publication leading to men choosing to do anything other than read it.

Here are a few testimonials from desperate male readers:

“I started to read the updated version of Soz Satire last night but found it so unfunny I immediately went next door and got my leg over a hideous looking old tugboat” – Brad Pitt

“The updated version was so utterly devoid of any good jokes I gave a diabolical old hound a back scuttling in the pub bogs” – Johnny Depp

“The revamped Halloween issue made me want to give a dodgy looking munter a portion rather than read on, but it was so crap I couldn’t get the horn so I hit Justin Bieber with an iron bar instead” – Orlando Bloom.

Here’s a link to the mag in question so you can judge for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: Don’t blame me if you end up bollocks deep in some four-eyed, 22 stoner with thrush and a lazy eye before you get to the skit about Cheryl Cole in the Personal & Classified Ads section ok?

SOZ SATIRE'S TV CHOICE

BBC4. 22.00: Lost Cities Of The Ancients

A moving documentary which follows a 78 year old man's journey, wearing just his dressing gown and slippers, from his home in Sheffield to the neighboring town of Rotherham where he stops to ask a passer by how to get home.

WARNING: This programme may contain traces of false teeth.

The Antipodean Mint Proudly Presents: The Aussie Mate. Anti-Sheila TV Remote Control

"Stone the bloody crows! Fair go mate!"

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

With a proud tradition of rabid misogyny of more than 200 years standing, we at The Antipodean Mint are delighted to offer you this unique and attractive, female-proof , TV remote control, guaranteed to ensure that the little woman never impinges on your inalienable right to boorishly control what's on the box 24 hours a day again...ever!

Each device is lovingly machine-crafted by a member of our highly-skilled team of feckless, drunken Abbos and is fashioned using only the very finest low grade plastic and bits of old wire from Tasmania.

Using the very latest in communications and media technology, we have implanted each remote control with our unique, estrogen-sensitive sensor, which will detect unauthorised usage by a woman within seconds, thereby enabling you to dash home from the pub, or from the outside dunny, to administer the bloody good hiding she so richly deserves.

For just a few extra dollars our Oz Mate Deluxe Model also features a powerful built in battery which will instantaneously deliver a flesh sizzling 500 watt jolt to anyone who attempts to move it from its resting place down the back of the sofa or from beneath a pile of cushions.

Attractively priced at just $2378.25 and coupled with our easy monthly payments option, we're so convinced you'll be absolutely delighted with your purchase that we're offering our unique, no quibble, money back guarantee if you return your Aussie Mate to our office by hand within 12 minutes of taking delivery.

To receive your Aussiez Mate at some vague, unspecified time in the future, simply send a banker's draft or better still cash to:

Bruce Drongo Ltd

The Crafty Dag Trading Estate

Perth

Western Australia

Terms And Conditions:  I'm a hairy-arsed, right wing, Aussie bastard who thinks women have small feet so they can stand closer to the sink. I fully understand that after parting with all my grog money for the next 20 years I will, in all probability, receive absolutely nothing by return of post.  I have no history of mental illness and I do not know how to use a knife.

Signed...

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, r selling their stories to the Sunday papers

Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us "We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening."

"We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpet, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side"

"Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands"

"To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers"

"The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off."

"Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin."

When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said "Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  aot their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath"