Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, r selling their stories to the Sunday papers

Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us "We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening."

"We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpet, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side"

"Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands"

"To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers"

"The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off."

"Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin."

When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said "Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  aot their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath"

.Religious Leaders To Take Part In Bar Billiards Tournament To Decide Who's Right

Graphic by Mina

In a move designed to settle, once and for all, the vexed question of which religious faith has the correct doctrine, religious leaders from across the globe have agreed to take part in a bar billiards tournament with the winner being crowned the head of the true faith. 

 The showdown is scheduled to take place in the public bar of The Carpenters Arms in Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green, E2 on 23 November starting at 7.30 with the winner being crowned just before closing time at 1.30am.

 A spokesman for The Church Of England Synod welcomed the proposal last night “It’s high time the question of which religion worships the true deity was decided and what better way to settle the debate once and for all than through a bloody good night on the ale with a good old fashioned stint of bar billiards to get the issue squared away. On a personal note we’re quietly confident of success as The Archbishop Of Canterbury is an absolute bandit on the green baize. Only last Christmas I saw him whip The Dalai Llama in a best of 3 pool match in The Hospital Tavern Whitechapel, and that was with 7 or 8 pints of Guinness under his belt”

 However, there was one dissenting voice from the Roman Catholic Holy See, whose spokesman said “While we’re not completely against the move we’d have much preferred to get the thing settled with a darts match. The Pope is a very useful man with the arrows, who only last week, thrashed The Chief Rabbi 3-0, which included a 9 dart finish, in a little drinker in The Balls Pond Road”

 Tickets will be on sale from Nov 1, with prices ranging from 30 pieces of silver for a stool at the bar overlooking the table, to a widow’s mite for a standing position next to the gent’s.

Prince Charles Tried To Make Queen's Throne Really Uncomfortable Claims Palace Insider

  Camilla sees the funny side as Charles reveals he's left a small land mine under the throne at Westminster Abbey

A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and  to thereby claim the throne for himself.

In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which the flunky asked that his name be withheld  he claimed that in 1933 Charles emptied a packet of tin tacks on the seat just as The Queen was about to sit down prior to a New Years Honours List ceremony  and that in 2004 he wired the throne up to a small hand-held electrical generator so that he could give The Queen a series of electrical jolts while she received ambassadorial visits from foreign dignitaries. He even claims that The Prince Of Wales would  often hide behind a curtain and fire a peashooter at the back of The Queen’s head during The State Opening Of Parliament.

If these allegations are proved correct it would constitute the most audacious attempt to de-throne a monarch since Mrs Simpson substituted The Orb for a fizzing bomb during the coronation of King George 

Elderly Passenger Serves In-Flight Meals After Stewardess Collapses At The Trolley

Dramatic footage, taken by a passenger, of one of the hot meals served by Mr Kelly from the stricken food trolley.

An astonishing tale of heroism and endurance emerged last night after it was revealed that a 77 year old man served over a hundred passengers with in-flight meals, including drinks and hot towels, after a stewardess was taking ill as she began serving passengers on board a Boeing 747 on route to Sharm El Sheik in Egypt on Monday night.

Alfie Kelly from Leighton Buzzard told reporters "It was around 9.00pm I suppose, and the wife and I were sitting towards the back of the plane waiting for our hot meal. I spotted the stewardess a little further down the aisle and noticed she looked a little pale and unsteady. All of a sudden the poor girl collapsed and just lay there motionless.

I immediately knew what I had to do and rushed up the aisle as quickly as I could and grabbed the trolley, which was rolling from side to side, completely out of control. Without thinking, I began serving the hot dinners to the other passengers. It was sheer instinct I suppose. I've never loaded a plastic tray with food cartons or poured tea and coffee into small cups while leaning forward in my life. How I managed to hold myself together I'll never know but thank God I did."

Another passenger, Mrs Maekela Thomas, 68, from Croydon in Surrey said "The old gentleman was absolutely wonderful. He looked calm and totally in control even though he was banging the trolley against some of the aisle seats from time to time. He even had the presence of mind to pat a few children on their heads whilst smiling cheerfully at their parents. The memory of him mincing down the gangway with that trolley is something that will live with me for ever. The man's a hero as far as I'm concerned"

It is understood that the every single passenger on board stood and cheered as he guided the trolley back into the galley with only a slight bump into the microwave, before entering the flight deck to chat to the pilots.

The stewardess concerned is believed to be recovering well at home after being given a full body spray tan, and oral sex by the co-pilot.

Miley Cyrus "Distraught" Over Fully Clothed Photographs

American teen pop sensation, Miley Cyrus, is to sue a French magazine after they published a series of photographs which appears to show her shopping in a Los Angeles mall wearing jeans and a sweater. Cyrus,21, who is famous for her daring stage outfits and  raunchy, "twerking" pop videos, was allegedly distraught when the pictures appeared in chic, Elle magazine, last Friday.

Her publicist told reporters "Miley is absolutely inconsolable right now. It's absolutely disgusting that she can't occasionally put some clothes on and walk around in public without some low life paparazzo with a long lens snapping her when she's at her most vulnerable. She wants all her fans to know that she's feeling a little ashamed right now and would like to reassure them that her latest video is even more outrageous than her last and features her writhing around with a number of male models, with not just her breasts on display, but her genitalia also. The matter is now in the hands of our attorneys"

Cyrus herself was reluctant to comment when our reporter visited her swish apartment in LA last night, but she did open the door in a flimsy negligee before offering to pose provocatively for our photographer.