Men Who Moisturise To Be Executed Under New Government Proposal

                                     A metrosexual or "big gayer" pictured letting the side down last night.

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats told reporters last night that they plan to introduce capital punishment, in the form of hanging, for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning and moisturising products.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. "It's high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These people should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back hanging then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly."

"We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross party support, apart from that ex-Deputy Speaker bloke who's currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents."

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce First Gay Player

                                 Furious Subbuteo PFA members picketing outside a box last night



In a groundbreaking move announced last night, table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have revealed plans to include a gay player in the next incarnation of their world famous football game. A spokesperson for the company told assembled media. 

"We live in a diverse and far more enlightened world these days and we want to reflect this by including a gay player in one of the teams for our 2014 edition. Although we dont wish to draw undue attention to the sexuality of  the player, he will be instantly recognisable by his distinctive pink base and slightly effeminate, hands on hips, stance. We have also included a micro chip sensor in the model which will make it say "Oooh you are awful" when subjected to a heavy challenge and "Last one in the shower's a big softie. Chase me, chase me!" when the full time whistle is blown. We haven't yet decided which of the 92 clubs that we include in our range will be fielding the player but Brighton And Hove Albion are certainly amongst the front-runners"

While the move is expected to be largely welcomed by the professional football world, a spokesman for The PFA, the player's union, did voice some misgivings when told of the plan.

"A bloody arse bandit in Subbuteo! You're kidding me right? They'll be including bloody sambos next! I hope to God they give it its own cut-out slot in the box, well away from the other lads. Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a wind up!"

Subbuteo plan to launch the gay-friendly version on October 14 2014, to coincide with the Gay Pride carnival in Rio De Janeiro and the birthday of Cliff Richard.

Facebook To Introduce Random Breath Tests

                        Facebook executives relax following the landmark decision to breathalyse members


Following a spate of drunken outbursts amongst its members, social networking giant, Facebook, are planning to introduce breath testing for those who appear to be posting under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesman for the company told reporters last night "We have had an increasing number of complaints from our members complaining of drunken misbehaviour on their timelines, including lewd remarks, threats of violence and  even the usage of capital letters to emphasise how serious they're being."

"In order to protect members who feel vulnerable and threatened we have decided to introduce random breath tests for those posters we feel may have had one over the eight. One of our newly formed "Grog Squad" operatives will turn up at the house of the suspected inebriate with a breath test kit. Any member who returns a positive sample will be issued with an immediate life ban and made to go out on a date with one of the deeply unnatractive desperados who subscribe to the Mature Dating website we constantly plug on our member's timelines."

The proposal has so far met with a mixed reaction from Facebookers. One woman in her 20s told us "Wuff oo babes" while a 53 year old man from Liverpool told our reporter that he was "A fucking bashta" and a "fucking fuuuuuuck" before asking for a cigarette and telling him he was his best mate.

Lady Gaga: My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant.

                         Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break with 2 dance troupe members during rehearsals

The showbiz world was in turmoil last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the uk she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she'd met outside the O2 Arena following last year's barnstorming, sellout gig.

The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a "gentleman of the road" in January of last year.

"I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate."

"As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine".

"The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.

"He taught me so many wonderful and new things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers, how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I'd end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He  even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers.

"Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that he considered were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string".

"I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I'd found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady's bogs. Sometimes I'd seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag."

"I feel as if I'm over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making  appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out".

"It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say I'll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he'd often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ...."Yer me best fuckin' mate yoush are! Yah fuckin' bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust "Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895"

America Launches Tactical Missile Strike On Sidcup

                                                                        Oopsie!

         There were red faces all round at The White House last night as news emerged that a number of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles have smashed into the South London town of Sidcup, wiping out pretty much the entire population and causing widespread destruction to buildings, some of which dated back to the mid 90s. It's believed the incident took place after American military personal mistakenly thought they were bombing Syria.

A spokesman for The Pentagon said last night "Gee we're really sorry about this guys. We sure hope it wont affect  the special relationship we have with you limeys. What can I say? Sidcup...Syria...they both sound pretty much alike to me. Anyways we're right sorry and would like to 'pologise to y'all and we hope it aint spoiled your day too much.Where the heck is Sidcup anyways? It's near Birming-Ham right?

This incident is now the worst case of death caused by friendly fire since America bombed Haringey back into the stone age in 1971 after mistaking it for Hanoi in Vietnam.