"We Haven't Even Got Any Guns" Claims Syrian Envoy

                          The Syrian delegate pictured leaving the UN building in a huff last night

A Syrian delegate at an emergency meeting of the United Nations, convened to discuss the illegal use of chemical weapons which claimed the lives of hundreds of civilians on Wednesday, has made the claim that not only was the Assad regime innocent of deploying a nerve agent in the horrific attack but that in point of fact they dont even have an army, let alone the means to inflict death and destruction on such a large scale.

Pausing only to stroke a cute white kitten sleeping in a pink basket in front of him, Abu Nidal stated. "We totally refute these wild and ill founded allegations made against our government. We disbanded the Syrian armed forces well over 50 years ago, not long after The 6 Day War with Israel, in order to avoid any further conflict and bloodshed. It's against the law in Syria to possess any type of firearm. We are a peaceful and humanitarian country and anyone found with a gun will be imprisoned without trial and tortured on a daily basis until they say sorry.

The Russian delegate backed the claim stating "So that's that then. Now perhaps you'll listen in future when we defend other murderous despotic regimes that can offer us unlimited oil or a warm water port for the Russian navy. You should all hang your heads in shame to be honest"

Lulu Leaned On My Sideboard Claims Robert Mugabe

                                         A Sideboard In Pensive Mood As Lulu Approaches

Controversial Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabi, yesterday told fellow African leaders, at the annual congress of African nations, that during his early years as the country's first black president he invited British pop stars, Cliff Richard and Lulu, to take part in a celebrity tennis tournament in the nation's capital Harare, a move designed to improve strained political relations between Zimbabwe and the British government. He then went on to describe an incident later that evening in which he claims Lulu leaned on his sideboard.

In a fiery address Mugabe said "It was a disgraceful and provocative act, quite clearly designed to humiliate the people of Zimbabwe and to reinforce the white supremacist stance of the British government. When I saw Lulu leaning on my sideboard, my first reaction was to have her imprisoned for a few years, or at the very least, to hold her to ransom with a 6 weeks deadline before her execution. However, in the interests of future trade and political relations with The British, I decided to favour pragmatism and merely had her bundled into an unmarked police car by burly aides and driven to the airport for immediate deportation. If you dont believe me I still have some photographs of her fingerprints in the dust along the top bit"

A spokesperson for Lulu's record company, EMI, strongly refuted the allegations to reporters last night. "Lulu absolutely denies these spurious and, quite frankly, ridiculous allegations that she leaned on President Mugabi's sideboard. She admits she was present on the evening concerned and that she was feeling extremely tired after having earlier been taken to 5 sets by Jimmy Tarbuck, but insists that all she did was slump down heavily into an armchair and stick her feet up on the pouffe"

These latest allegations follow fast on the heels of claims made by ex-United States President Bill Clinton, in which he alleges that Rod Hull and Emu clattered into his coal scuttle at The Oval Office during a frenzied tussle on the ground with Emu's beak clamped around Clinton's throat.